Doctor Hormone's blog

Sir Martin's Memorial Service Sunday October 25 2009

2009-10-20T23:57:00.003-04:00

Hello all.

Sir Martin Preece will be buried on Sunday October 25, 2009.

Official services for burial of Sir Martin's Ashes will be following the 10am services at:

Trinity Episcopal Church
30205 E. Jefferson Ave.
St. Clair Shores, MI
48082
(586) 294.0740

Thank you.

Mikey Moe Hawk

Subset:) I think it would not only be fitting, but required attire (if you have one) to wear your White Mud "Colors" to the ceremony. - Doc Hormone.

Flag@Whitehouse.gov ...Its our duty!

2009-08-12T20:18:00.006-04:00

Dear Fellow Amerikans,

Recently our beloved Comerade and Prezidentsky Obama advocated that we should begin to provide the emails of those that were deemed "fishy" by the Czar of Fishy Smelling Emails within The Department of State, to the White House for further scrutinizing.

In an effort to get control of certain health care misinformation providers, the Supreme Leader's office has asked that all of those faithful to the cause begin forwarding any "Fishy Email" to them for further review.

Here is the release that was issued via the White House blog on Tuesday, August 4th:

"There is a lot of disinformation about health insurance reform out there, spanning from control of personal finances to end of life care. These rumors often travel just below the surface via chain emails or through casual conversation. Since we can’t keep track of all of them here at the White House, we’re asking for your help. If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to flag@whitehouse.gov."

It occurred to me that I personally was being "insufficient" at such given task, instructed by the Supreme Leader, by neglecting to send ALL of my "Fishy Email" to them.

I may be wrong here, but as I understand the instructions from Comerade Obama, they want it ALL!

Now, I dont know about you guys, but I can't tell fishy email from the good stuff these days so, am not going to be found lacking in the eyes of our Supreme Leader, no sirreee not me. I am forthwith, sending every piece of seemingly fishy email I get to :

flag@whitehouse.gov

Since I dont open fishy email, I have no way to know if it is related to health care or not. This will then require me to include all junk mail from Kenya offering me inheritances, Viagra advertisements, unsolicited emails for refinancing my trailer home, Pet Meds for my dead dog, and more. In my mind, this is all fishy email that may be health care related, and until now, I have had nowhere else to send it.

I feel real good about the opportunity to help out here as Im sure so many of you faithful to the cause of Hopey-Changey do, and I hopey that you will help changey this assault on our Supreme Leaders Health Care Initiative by contributing your "Fishy Email" to Flag@whitehouse.gov today!

Please pass this on to other fellow Amerikans whom you know will be eager to support the project!

Please be careful not to send too much information as Im sure the White House web server may be limited, as is the staff at sorting the information. Your Supreme Leader can only be proud of your efforts to be a true Amerikan!

Yours Sincerely,

Comerade Hormone. Minister of Propaganda for White Mud Incorporated.

White Mud Players Visit Jazz Cafe! July 2 2009

2009-06-19T00:51:00.003-04:00

This is a' nutha not too slow, not too fast, kinda half fast... project of the White Mud founding Muddas, hosted graciously by our own Poet Laureate M.L. Leibler.

Come see and hear another spontaneous "Convertible top down performance in the rain of life."

Out of our own dreams we will creep...into and onto the stage of spontanaeity at the Jazz Cafe' on July 2 2009.

It's a dreary weepy sleepy jazz thang, mixed with who knows what....

I smell madness, and sweetness, and the sweat of madmen performing a freelance thing along with M.L. Leiblers insane mix of musicians, poetry, noise, spoken word, digereedoos and audience participation. All that's missing is Bromo Seltzer!

Bring your own Barf Bags.

12 Monkeys...at least. 16 cylinders, and amps at "11" in a Spinal Tap Mode...Old men without their reading glasses! Some drunk, some sober....Making it up as we go along, all night.

What a surprise that is!

Please dream yourself into the theatre of our dream! Adoo adoo.

Jazz Cafe' @ The Music Hall is located at 350 Madison Avenue, across from the Gem Theater, between Brush and Randolph, adjacent to ample lighted, secure parking and steps from some of the city?s trendiest restaurants and nightspots. http://www.musichall.org/

COMING TO Detroit Tonight Live in July
July 2 = M.L. Liebler & The Magic Feng Shui Cursives featuring members of The White Mud Experience (Dr. Hormone,Hank Chief Sobah, Jef Reynoldz & Mo)

Somali Pirates Retaliate

2009-05-30T20:06:00.002-04:00

After recent incursions by Somali Pirates who were repelled by the U.S. Navy's 5th Fleet, the Somalis have found a new secret weapon to resume assaulting seagoing vessels in the Indian Ocean region near Mogadishu.

The Somali Pirates have found a way to compel whales to swallow I.E.D.'s (Improvised Explosive Devises) and then ram cargo ships that are navigating thru the channel and onto the Indian Ocean.

According to official anonymous unreliable sources, the Somali rebels have been using a sonar device to draw whales onto the beach head near Mogadishu and fill them with RPG grenades, then force them back into the ocean with some kind of homing device that is designed to locate seagoing vessels.

The Pirates then follow the whales with a tracking device and begin negotiations with the target ships prior to activating the assault, where they would send the armed whales toward the ship under attack.

America's new pretend president, Barack Obama was out of the country, busy kissing ass and apologizing to every third world gangster leader for everything the United States has ever done, and was unavailable for comment.

The dilema for the U.S. administration now is, how to defend against such an assault without offending the Green World and Naturalist Environmentalist Movement.

The White House Press Staff was typically confused...

1. Denial

2. Ambigious explanations

3. Procrastination, and vague intentions

4. Shut down and censorship of the press

An unofficial report from the Department of The U.S. Navy reported that trained S.E.A.L Dolphins may be employed to fight the programmed Somali Whales before they reach the targeted Somali vessels. The projected cost to the Department of Defense was not disclosed, but the cost for such a program may be abetted by filming the entire event in a new video series and maybe a new movie of Flipper, The American Hero, coming soon to a theatre near you!

FISH FIGHT!

- Doctor Greg Hormone 2009

Doc Hormone Invests In A Pontiac Dealership!

2009-04-27T20:45:00.003-04:00

WELCOME TO DOC HORMONE'S SUPER PONCHO PONTIAC DEALERSHIP!

With the economy failing left and right, one has to become shrewd about good investments. I have been following the tragic story about General Motors and the auto industry in general, and I found an opportunity to invest in a true American legend and possibly save the legacy of one of the greatest automobile to ever come out of the Motor City! With General Motors preparing to abandon the legacy of the Pontiac, and laying off 23,000 workers... I felt compelled to do my part and purchase one of the failing dealerships that will otherwise close as a result of the unfortunate turn in our economy!

It has been done before with other great manufacturers that were failing and bought out by shrewd investors such as myself...Harley Davidson, Indian Motorcycles, The Slinky Corporation, Play-Doh...These were great products, great companies...on the verge on non existance, that were rescued and revived.

Well, I have decided to seize the opportunity and buy a Pontiac Dealership! This is a unique dealership. The Pontiacs on my lot are not new, but I picked up the entire lot for a song!

Now, you too can be a proud owner of one of the legacies of the American automobile! Yes! You can be the proud owner of a pre-owned Pontiac. Choices are limited on these precious vintage cars that attest to the workmanship of Detroit!

There is no better time to say "Im an American from Detroit." and drive down the street in one of these fine machines!

This is the one I picked for myself to drive home. Fortuneately i only live a few blocks from the new dealership!

Neverthless, I will be proud to own this beauty. I had a new one just like it when they first came out, and I am confident that the maintenance on this one should not be much more than the new one I owned back in the day!

This dealership that I bought, has been around for some time, so many of the cars need a little attention but they can be picked up for a song! I bought the entire inventory for only a few dollars and I am going to pass the savings onto you!

I'M NOT KIDDING! Even if you are out of work, you can still afford one of these vintage beauties! Laid off of work? Present car reposessed as a result? No problem! Here at Hormone's Super Poncho Lot, we have easy credit terms even for the unemployed. In fact, if you are a former employee of GM and have been laid off as a result of the recent crisis, we will put you in a pre-owned car that you may have made yourself with no payments for the next 24 months.

Inventory is of course very limited, and with the rust and harsh environment, (global warming and acid rain and shit) these beauties wont last much longer!

Place an order today! Due to limited space on the lot, we have stacked many of the cars in our inventory, like books in a library! Each one of these fine automobiles has a story of its own and each one comes included with its own Legacy Certificate.

One day we will all look back at the demise of the production of this fine automobile and wish we had taken advantage of the opportunity to be a proud Pontiac owner. Dont let this once in a lifetime deal pass you by! Give us a call or better yet, stop by Doc Hormone's Super Poncho Dealership!

The Hudson, the Packard, the Studebaker are all gone...Plymouth is a distant memory...even the Oldsmobile is history...how many of you have one? This is your chance of a lifeime to be a proud Poncho owner!

McFuckers Should Burn!

2009-03-08T00:01:00.002-05:00

WPBF-TV
updated 4:51 p.m. ET, Thurs., March. 5, 2009

FORT PIERCE, Fla. - She's been called "McNut" by TMZ.com and "loco 4 pollo" by PerezHilton.com.
Now, after becoming an Internet sensation for calling 911 three times to report an emergency after McDonald's had run out of McNuggets, a Fort Pierce woman said Wednesday she is embarrassed by all the media attention.
"I'm embarrassed to show my face in public," Latreasa Goodman told WPBF News 25's Alexis Rivera one day after her McNugget meltdown was first reported.

Latreasa, I say you go girl! I mean it! Where the fuck does McDonalds come off taking your money and not offering a refund when they cannot serve you the food you ordered?

I wouldn't have called 911, I personally would have done the jump over the counter, and beat the shit out of the person holding my $3.49.

At what point did they realize that they had taken your money for an order they could not fill in the first place? Wheres the manager in all this?...

Whot the hell is McDonalds doing running out of McNuggets anyway? If they have it on the menu and they lure you in to buy them, they better damn well have them! It's false advertising if they willingly and knowingly lure you in to buy McNuggets, take your money and then tell you they dont have them.

We used to tar and feather used car salesmen for using the same dirty trick. Offer a car for sale in the local paper that they dont even have, then when you get there to buy the 49 Hudson for $990.00 they tell you it was sold in the morning and they only have a 50 Hudson for $1200.00!

My own father was run out of town on several occasions for using this same trick! And he deserved it each time!

Corporate Amerika has gone south, and its these dirty tactics along with redirecting your request for support or service to some goat fucker in Bangladesh who pretends to speak english but you cannot understand a word, or they dump you into a convoluted telephone mail system where you are on hold for two hours before you get to scream profanities at a real human being!

These stupid McFuckers should be run out of town too! Along with the idiots at Big Orange (Home Depot) who cannot seem to sell anything that performs for more than 15 minutes at a time and when you go wait in line to replace it, they dont carry it anymore, even though you just bought it the day before!

Im sick of them all! I say vandalize their stores, steal their shopping carts, paint grafitti on thier walls, and shoplift (carefully since they all have elaborate camera systems...) from them daily!

Latreasa should not be made to feel shame...oh no...she is not the one who should be humiliated...on the contrary, it should be the McJackoff manager who should be arrested for stealing! Robbery!

I say lets put this assclown's picture on the internet and threaten his family instead of Latreasa.

Latreasa did the honorable thing by calling the only authority she knew for help, and they made her feel like a fool. Since when does robbing people during the pretense of doing business constitute legitimacy?

I have a threesome of maggot-brain dicksucking idiots who race down my street daily for hours at a time on their 3 wheeler ATV bikes at speeds in excess of 90 mph. I have been calling the police for over a year and each time they eventually come out, (1+ hours later) the fuckers are gone and the police give me a lecture on due process and civil complaint procedure....

I dream of laying huge piles of lumber in the street and creating my own speedbumps which would send the riders propelling into the air at heights only Evil Kneivel could achieve! But alas, I know full well I would end up in jail for such a stunt, so I continue to call for help knowing full well that it is an exercise in futility!

Instead of creating layers and layers of worthless new laws and rules to live by, which our criminal neighbors scoff at, why not begin enforcing some of the laws that are already on the books?

Latreasa, did the cops that responded to your 911 calls make any attempt to request the manager give back your money? Or do they get a free breakfast at that particular "pigfest trough" and therefore refuse to jeapordize their daily feeding?

I for one reccomend that anyone feeling the need to exercise their right to civil disobediance, get in line at McAssholes, order $100.00 of food, and then simply skip out. Jump out of line and drive away....

"Welcome to McFucwad's, may I take your order?"

"Why, yes...Id like 5000 choclaty chip cookies, and a milk please...

By the way...that's to go."

Bastards....Fuck em all.

Doc Hormone Invents A Life Saving Device...Prepares to Receive Nobel Peace Prize in 2009!

2009-01-05T21:44:00.005-05:00

In the last year, Doctor Greg Hormone went into a deep reclusive state over the depression of losing his lovely wife Eugenia on June 2 2008. After several months of meditative rehabilitation, Doctor Hormone has finally begun his work again as a dedicated research scientist.

As always with inventors, the challenge is not in the inventing of any given project or life saving tool, but in the implementation and marketing of that tool. Money plays a big role in getting something wonderful into the hands of the world community, which is why the continent of Africa didn't see the Hoola Hoop until 1995! Actually the Watusi tribe invented the Hoola Hoop in 1435 according to Commander Cooke in his ships log /journal from the HMS Scaberdee, but they wouldnt see it refined and marketed commercially until much later. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hula_hoop

This is why Doctor Hormone's most recent endeavor is such breaking news! With the help of Mr. Davison, the inventors friend consumate, The world will finally be safe from poisonous bug and snake bites while hiking and camping!

Please read on, through the introduction of my new friend Mr. Davison http://www.davison.com/ and into the details of my newest and most profound idea to save humanity from certain death while walking through the perils of the planet!

I think you will all agree that The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize awaits me, like a crown waits for a prince...Like a lamb awaits the sacraficial fire...like a young 9 year old awaits a pedophile...well maybe not that...

Please read the story below!...

About Davison
We've been featured in:
BusinessWeek
Entrepreneur
I.D. Magazine
Monsieur
TEQ Magazine
Innovation Magazine
Pop City
and more!

Davison is quickly becoming the industry leader in preparing and presenting new product ideas to corporations for possible licensing.
For 20 years, we have been refining our exclusive development process, in which we prepare new product ideas for presentation to corporations for possible licensing. Corporations are always looking for new products. Davison is able to present new product samples to them, including concepts that come from idea people.
The company's founder Mr. Davison understands the problems individuals are faced with when trying to get their new product ideas in front of corporations for licensing consideration. It is for this reason that he created Davison, a place where corporations and consumers can bring their ideas to life.

Doctor Greg Hormone’s 2009 Survivor Poison Sucking Kit.
Respectfully submitted January 05, 2009:

Dear G. Davison,

I’m banking on 2009 being the Year of the Tiger for me...I have lots of great ideas brewing but perhaps the one that will earn me the Nobel Peace Prize is this one:

Nobody likes to get stung or bitten by a poisonous animal or insect while camping or hiking but it happens!

I recently learned that the Common Sea Lamprey (Petromyzon marinus) can suck fluids at an incredible rate! The sea lamprey will suck the body fluids out of a large fish. A special chemical in the sea lamprey’s saliva will keep the wound in the fish open until the fish dies. The saliva from the sea lamprey can keep the wound open for hours or weeks. Only 1 out of 7 fish attacked by a sea lamprey will survive.
http://library.thinkquest.org/CR0215471/sea_lampreys.htm

With the teeth on their tongues, they scrape a hole in their victim's skin and feed. Sea Lampreys live in salt water but spawn in freshwater streams where they build nests of pebbles. After spawning, the adults die. The young lampreys swim downstream and bury themselves in the mud, where they live for several years. As they transform into adults, they develop eyes and teeth and become parasites. It’s a beautiful picture!

Now, while the lamprey is dangerous to fish who have no arms to remove the predator, we people can simply remove the lamprey once all of any poison from a bug or snake has been thoroughly removed, and the eel can then be discarded along the forest trail like any other garbage the hiker no longer needs, i.e. empty cans, cigarette packs, spent condoms etc.

My invention is a special freeze dried package of these eels in a common freezer grade plastic bag like a Glad bag or such, filled with frozen salt water, which can be readily thawed out on the campfire or even a microwave oven if the camper has one handy.

Once the eels are thawed and ready to work, simply place them strategically around the wound, and let the sucking begin!

Once the poison has been eradicated, and the victim is feeling well enough, he can remove the lamprey with a common bic lighter or an ice pick (care is recommended in using the picking method so as not to create additional puncture wounds that may become infected.) The Bic lighter is best as it will help to cauterize the wound (be sure all of the poison is gone before sealing the wound)

I do have some design issues that I will need help with here:

How to keep from singeing the eels during the thawing process, over the campfire.

How to keep the hungry little fellows from eating each other once they have thawed but are still in the plastic bag, and how to safely remove them and place them on the victims wound without losing a finger or two.

Also, how to keep salt water frozen. I understand that this is presently not very easy especially in the Grand Canyon during summer.

Since these creatures are abundant in the Connecticut River and the Great Lakes, finding them should be simple enough, and I believe I have a solution to the collection of them.

The American Scientific Society of Masochistic Endeavors of Nobility A.S.S.M.E.N. often rally to such a noble cause in the name of martyrdom, and I’m sure we could recruit several candidates from this organization who would be willing to submerge their bare arms into the mud where the little creatures sleep awaiting their next meal. The collectors would be able to draw them out of the mud along the banks of the Great Lakes, dozens at a time!

Since these creatures have become prolific, and are now crawling out of the water onto the banks of nearby farms and eating the cows and other livestock, removing a few for a medical project that could save the lives of campers and hikers across Americas trails would only be a win-win situation!

I smell a Nobel Peace Prize here! G, you gotta help me to do this for all mankind! I realize that not all of the projects that you help to bring to fruition will end in glory, but I think…as one fellow inventor to another, you must have some strong feelings about my current project. Please feel free to contact me as I feel you are going to be my ground floor man!

I’m looking forward to our meeting of the minds very soon!

Very Best Regards,

Doctor Greg Hormone
Inventor At Large

Thank you for your submission.

Your idea has been securely submitted to Davison. The first step of our process is to review every concept and determine whether it fits within the scope of our services.
A Director of New Products will usually try to contact you within 3 to 5 business days to discuss your idea at no cost. Please understand the professional staff at Davison is working to review your idea and will contact you as soon as possible.

Thank you, Mr. Davison, Founder and CEO of Davison http://www.davison.com/

White Mud Blues Band Plans a July 2008 Thingy!

2008-03-06T23:07:00.003-05:00

Still healing from the wounds of White Muds last October 2007 show, Detroit is now preparing for another assault on humanity. Again?...Oh Nooooo!

In October 2007 White Mud Blues Band played two magnificient shows, and then another interum mini show in December 2007!

After the October Twin Township Tour, White Mud Blues Band was banned from one club and the second club closed down after thier shows. Two out of three aint baaaad!

It is the usual custom after most of their shows to either be banned or to have caused a shutdown so for White Mud, ...not a problem. We couldnt have it any other way! It just wouldnt be right!

Jagers Club has banned White Mud due to a personality clash between the management and the band. We are proud! Its Rock and Roll!

Murphy's appears to have closed down due to other issues with the liquor control commission, at least on a temporary basis...While White Mud would love to be responsible for this, it appears that it is not their victory to claim! But they were there, like the iceberg in the path of the Titanic! If they reopen we would love to try again!

Since the band has now connected with an even more powerful network of musicians, club options, and worthless local talents who are eager to join the fray and make our 2008 lineup even more exciting, White Mud is in the planning stage for a July 4th 2008 weekend celebration in the Detroit area once again!

This Show once again has a theme which runs deep in the blood of Mud... The Night The Crows Nest East was closed as White Mud burned the house down! It was July 18th 1969!

"The July 2008 / Night They Tore The Crows Nest Down" 39th Year Anneversary!"

It would be sweet if White Mud Blues Band could actually play in the parking lot of the Shores Shopping Center where the original Crows Nest East once stood so proud, but instead, White Mud has scouts out....looking for another club to play at....To relive those moments.

Details are sketchy as of now, but soon to be released for the July 2008 show. The band has indicated a very intense interest in re-living the highlights of that original show, with more of the original core band joining the festivities and revisiting many of their original hits:

Baby Mamma, Shu, Stuff Floatin Down The River, Aghghgh Aghghg, Umpa Dow Down, Curlers in her Hair, Baby Love and others....

To hear remakes of these hits go to : http://www.whitemud.us/white-mud-reunion-media.htm

In October you saw a revival of the bands energy when they played spontaneous unrehearsed music. They had not played together in 38 years and yet, the coordinated energy was as if it was July 1969....

Actually the original band never sounded as organized as they did in October 2007! It was for some of the original band members....almost a dissapointment....Sir Martin, leader of White Muds Rapid Response Team remarked...."Hell this isn't the real White Mud....we were never this good!"

So, for the July 2008 thingy, White Mud has resolved to practice and prepare even less, and hopes to sound much much worse, like they originally did.

"We apologize to the core of our fans (who generally only come out to see an actual arrest or two occur) for the more organized sound of the band in October 2007....This is not the true persona of Mud...we are at heart, a more earthy sound....like more painful...man..." Remarked Walter Batanicle Galko....who sent a video of himself by proxy which will be included in part in the release of White Mud's 2007 Twin Township Tour Video...coming out soon.

Heres a trailer from the upcoming Video....

"Obviously planning and organizing, and years of each band member playing more conventional music with other, more conventional bands has done some surfactal damage to the core mission of White Mud Blues Band."

"The original mission is to rape and pillage all the principles of math and meter and tone...and impinge upon the art of melodical sound, a wakeup call. A call to let go of the traditional rules of music composition, defy gravity, and make people think and wonder....why they came to see us...even for free!...Why? Fucking why did I come out to see this?"

"This is the White Mud Blues band that we mean to be in 2008!" Said Doctor Greg Hormone, during an interview from his studio in Miami."

"Hopefully, with time and less preparation, we can again reach that goal and be horrible once again!" Hormone said in closing.

Stay tuned here for more info on the upcoming 2008 Reunion Plans for White Mud Blues Band!

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM WHITE MUD BLUES BAND!

2007-12-31T21:30:00.001-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE WHITE MUD MEMBERS AND FANS!

MAY 2008 BRING US ALL TOGETHER AGAIN FOR MORE FUN AND FROLIC AND MAY WE ALL BE HEALTHY AND WELL!

GOOD FRIENDS ARE FOREVER.....

The 2007 White Mud Reunion Video is due to come out of production sometime in the spring, and White Mud will be back to Detroit with even bigger and better plans for the next show! Keep your eye on the billboards and newspapers around the Detroit area....

Open these files in separate windows for a White Mud New Years Mini Show...

images/New%20Years%202008%20with%20White%20Mud.ppt

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRM8I-ZdamE

Scratch The New Cat...and Issues...

2007-11-17T23:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Mordaunt,

Recently, we adopted Scratch a little kitten with real bad attitude from Town and Country Animal Hospital in Miami Florida, shortly after our 14.5 year old cocker spaniel Cody The Amazing Wonderdog was layed to rest.

Scratch was supposed to replace the joy that Cody brought us as a young pup, but he initially seemed to have just a little too much 'Vigor' ...Yeah!

We brought him home and after a few days of outgrowing his shyness, he quickly adapted to low level airborne flying through the room, hanging off of the curtains and framed pictures which were mounted high on the walls. I found him one morning, hanging from the edge of a framed wedding photo, tilted and ready to fall off the wall with him hanging from one corner. I wish I had that photo to send you....here's another instead....

After a consultation, we agreed that de-clawing and castration might be the answer to avoid our need to take the Clyde Beatty Crash Course on Cat Training. Our hopes were to calm him down to normal....whatever that might be.

We did have him 'modified' on November 6th this year at TCAH and the surgery went extremely well. He is doing fine and is very healthy. He has become a sweet loving little kitty who is still playful and frisky but no longer flies through the air.

We have put away the oven mittens and protective gear we previously needed to handle him. Our initial scars are healing well.

All is well with his health too, and his interaction with the older cats is now on an even playing field since they are now all declawed and his only remaining advantage is his youth and energy.

However, my dark side compels me to ask some questions. Could he be part Florida Panther? What kind of vitamins was he on? ...Cat Acid? Can we get some more?....Lots? Enough for a cat party?

I know that the castration of male cats causes this mellowness, but I am wondering if it would be possible to restore at least some of the madness this cat enjoyed prior to his gender modification.
If we could reinstall a testicle, so that he would no longer fly onto the wall and hang on pictures, but maybe just fly through the air a little, maybe for 15 or twenty minutes or so each morning. This would be perfect!

Im hoping that by restoring maybe one testicle, he could still be cute and able to fly across the room as he previously did, untill he grows into a weight and size where he eventually outgrows the urge as it becomes less desirable for all of us.

If we cannot re-install his original testicles as I am sure they have been disposed of, would it be possible to perhaps install a bee-bee or a ball bearing? Maybe two, so he would 'click' when he walked through the room and we could know when he is coming, or going?

What about feline steroids?

The male ego is a profound phenomenon of nature in all species and he seems to be a little melancholy about his own loss. I may be imagining things here, that are in fact beyond the psyche of cats in the first place but I just wanted to inquire...

We have trusted your team for several years and you have always been more than excellent in providing loving care to our family so we totally trust any advice you might provide.....

Am I on the ball here or just plain nuts.?

Please feel free to email me at Greg@doctorhormone.com or call me.

Also please enjoy some of our pets antics through the years at my own website http://www.doctorhormone.com/cody_the_amazing_wonderdog.htm and http://www.doctorhormone.com/the_lizard_project.htm

Tis The Season!

2007-11-08T21:22:00.000-05:00

Well the worldly holidays are once again in our midst and upon us like locust...(1st Book to the Chlamydians 11:18) Look it up!

Im investing in a 30 lb bag of black coal stones ($7.50) which I will use to send to everyone I know.

Just a black coal stone this year, along with a note that Santa told me they were bad. Or, I might just send everyone a cheap lamp. Imagine Christmas morning when everyone opens my presents to them and it is the exact same fucking lousy cheap $7.00 Captain Jack Sparrow Pirate lamp from Walmart! Sweet!

Either that or, shopping on Ebay for Reindeer hoofs...they make the perfect seasonal gift as they represent the spirit of Scrooge...which I think is high time to promote. Enough with living in this hypocracy...I say we tell it like it is!

In fact I'd like to look at opening a game hunting reserve where you can come and shoot reindeer during the Christmas Holidays...I'll call it the "Bah Humbug Game Reserve"

Hunters will prepay to shoot at selected animals for a fee.....Seasonal Rates from November 1 through December 25.

12 Year Old Zebra...$3900.00 (only one in stock. Take that trip to Africa without risk to AIDS, Ebolla or another tribal uprising! You can bag a zebra without ever leaving the good old USA!Reserve now!)

6 Year Old Mare Qtr horse...$400.00 (0nly one in stock. "They Shoot Horses Dont They?" Reserve now!) * leashed to a tree $50.00 extra.

OTHER STOCK AVAILABLE AT BAH HUMBUG RANCHES:

19 Year Old crippled reindeer....$100.00 each (only 2 left in stock. Reserve now, for the season)
Stray dogs...$35.00 each (75 left for the season)
Stray cats...$20.00 each (200+ left for the season)
Pidgeons...$12-15.00 each (Shooting while still in the cage is $2.00 extra each...1000 in stock)
Assorted aged road kill $3.00 per target bag (Good for still target practice shooting, trust me, you will know when you hit the target!)
Demented mother in laws...$1250.00 each * (tied to a tree $400.00 extra)

* Demented mother in laws can only be hunted after signing a waiver to assume full liability for a felony crime. There are presently only 2 left in stock as these are prized hunting trophy items, but the inventory is always available as many avid hunters are willing to offer their own stock as fodder in exchange for other hunting privledges which are exchangeable in our "Trade Mudders in Law for Fodder Program" which runs throughout the entire season. Call for availability and details.

Live video recording of all your hunting can be purchased as an extra. please contact us for further details....

Trophy dressing is also available at an additional cost however, our staff is not fully trained at this time, so we can only offer mounting of paws, hoofs, hands and feet. Please call for details.

Please be sure to bring your own protective clothing to prevent exposure to disease when the target splatters. Some targets may not be FDA approved for anything.

Any and all weapons are welcome and encouraged! The more creative the shooting, the more memorable the event.

Dont forget our "All Out Bazooka Hunt Event" Every Saturday, during the season, you can hunt anything on the feild with an approved NATO certified bazooka or similar weapon (see details at our web page) for a flat fee of $2500.00 all day! No bazookas are available for rent so its a B.Y.O.B. affair! Hunting Licenses will be checked at the gate beginning at 6:00am each day throughout the season!

Happy Hunting , Happy Holidays!

-Doc

Which Witch Is Which?

2007-11-05T21:47:00.001-05:00

Ok, first theres something about grown men dressing in drag that has always bothered me...then theres grown men dressing up as witches that really is over the edge, but then there is something about grown men who dress up as ugly witches and get chicks!

After seeing The Chief, Sobah with this hot little number at Hooters during one of White Mud's Twin Township Tour Planning meetings in Detroit a few weeks back, I thought....is it actually possible that girls dig ugly male witches in drag? Am I .....missing something from my 9th grade Health Class about attracting the opposite sex?

Then when I saw cousin Jeff The Flavoyguy dressed in great pride for Halloween as an ugly male witch I thought....nah!

But still the question compelled me to ask...why would chicks be attracted to ugly male witches?

Im not going to pursue this question any further except to reflect on the number of spam emails I get offering me large doses of viagra and penis expander tools and toys....

Forget it...Ill just suffer along being a rather pretty fellow with an average size weapon....Im not going to sell my soul to the devil to get that kind of magic and forsake the status of being a natural 4.38" hunk that I am! Not that I have taken any measurements....

Is there something Im missing?...Whats the story with these ugly male John Holmes Witches?

Class over maaaan!

Stay tuned for upcoming video clips of White Mud's Twin Township Tour 2007 as they come along....

We had a blast and we are already planning our next year show...this time we will all be dressed in some costume and getting all the chicks!

Beware!

Doctorhormone Takes His Sacred Indian Name...

2007-10-28T04:24:00.000-04:00

It has occurred to me that I have not been bestowed with a sacred indian name such as have the others in my midst of my Incredible Mohawk Brothers....

I am hurt and wounded even though the Incredible Mohawk Brothers no longer reside in the same wigwams or long houses or whatever the fuck they sleep in these days....

Danny Terio has been bestowed with the sacred name of Handsome Hawk....Hank The Chief Sobah has been bestowed with the sacred name of Hankerchief...but I who have attended only a few of the sacred tribal meetings due to bad airplane trips and other shit beyond my own control have been denied my rite as a brother in the Incredible but no longer Credible Mohawk Brothers....with a sacred name!

Even Dwayno Da Old Ass Clown was bestowed with a name that befits his personality....but I alone Doctor Greg Hormone stand without a sacred name of the tribes...

I take it upon myself to bestow the name upon me as ......HawkMone!

Hawkmone the medicine man of all of the tribes of the Huron, The Algonquin, The Iriquois, and the Mohawk....The Saulk, the Fox, and the Crow...I alone...Hawkmone will stand as the last medicine man of the Tribes of the Longhouses!

Umgatcheemowwa Cum heerikowi heeya!

By the way, piss on you guys for not making this shit up on my behalf...

Danny Terio is the Handsome Hawk? Oh fucking pleeeeeeeese! Im way prettier than he is!

Hankerchief? because he what? Delegates bullshit ideas to the rest of us? Oh cmon maaan! anybody can give orders...its the man that can take them that is the cream of the crap! Crop...ooops...sorry...

Ok so I and I alone Hawkmone...am the one who can eat the feathers of birds without questioning...who can shit a birthday cake in three colors, who can make a dead dog dance....I am your medicine man!

I declare myself Hawkmone!

Fuckin.....I gotta get a life....this is nuts!

Hialeah! yeah! Fuckinaaaaaaay!

Hey Sir Martin...you wanna get in on this!?

White Mud at Murphy's was a Rocking Success!

2007-10-28T02:38:00.000-04:00

In case any of you cant remember what a good time we all had at Murphy's Law on Saturday night October 13 2007....

Aghghghgh... We had a good time!

White Mud Blues Band came into the house and rocked the joint all night long and then we took names and planned for the next party!

I will personally say that in spite of the fact that we played a great show at Murphys and then played another great show the following night at Jagers Castle Rock...we had the best show at Murphy's Law on Jefferson between Crocker and 16 Mile Road!

My choice for the best show.....Murphys!

The crowd on Saturday night at Murphy's really knew how to dance and act up and laugh and have a good time! The beer flowed and the party went on as it has every other time we have been there! Its a quaint little hideout on the north end of Jefferson between Crocker and 16 Mile Road!

Except for a couple of asshole scientists who think they know it all....the crowd at Murphys was great!

While Jagers Castle Rock Club out on the north end of Gratiot between Joy and Hall Road was a great venue, the club is beautiful and the property is magnificient...great sound system and such...White Mud was not well received for some unfortunate personal issues between me, Doc Hormone and the owner, so we will unfortunately not show up there again as White Mud Blues Band.....

We got a rather icy post-reception from the owner who thinks that I am personally claiming to own his club...

Hey Ron, ...aghhhhh bite me! I dont own your club, your bills, your worries, or your lack of personality skills. I never made such a claim, I dont have that kind of ego, and I could care less about anything but having fun with my old buds in White Mud....We had a good time using your club for our Reunion in 2007 but unfortunately you have some paranoia issues that have you attacking people who were only trying to be a friend.....by the way...youre welcome for the free alarm system that I gave you without as much as a thank you....

Please suggest to your scientist pals who hang out in bars on Saturday nights that they bone up on Logic 101....If I owned Jagers why would they see me playing with White Mud at Murphys the night before, a Saturday night...the big weekend night, instead of playing at my own club (allegedly) Jagers, on the following night Sunday when the crowd was weaker, if I was concerned with drawing a crowd to my own so called bar?....

These guys are scientists? Are they pals with Al Gore? Are they Global Warming Specialists? I'll bet they are! The world needs scientists such as these ass clowns so the rest of us dont need to fear the whining so much....We can just laugh at the drama these worthless jerkoffs create as they wander the planet looking for something to fix or fuck up....

Meanwhile, you might want to lay off the abuse of people who are just trying to be real, and work on managing your club...chances are you wont own it in a years time if you treat your patrons and hired help like you do people who are trying to be your friends!

Hey Ron, Maybe you just need to get laid or something...

Damn The Weather People Anyway!

2007-09-16T22:55:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Tonight, I contacted the National Weather Forcasters Office to make sure that the weather would be fitting for our now confirmed White Mud Reunion Show 2007 at Murphys Law Lounge at 37030 Jefferson AveHarrison Township, MI 48045.

I asked them two simple questions....

1) What will the weather be in St. Clair Shores and surrounding area between October 10 and October 17?

2) If the weather is bad, can you please change it to something better?

Simple straightforward questions...solvable problems....But their answers were more than dissapointing, they were downright dismal and inept!

First I spoke to half a dozen weather nerd wannabees who fended me off to the next dolt in the heirarchy of these failed scientists, before I finally got to speak to the big cheese who makes all of the descisions on the weather stuff.

When I finally got to speak to Mr. Gunter of the NOAA organization, he informed me that they have no way of knowing what the weather will be an any given location that far out in advance!

He then had the audacity to tell me that even if they did know that bad weather was going to be present in a certain location that they not only be unable to change it, but would be unwilling to even tamper with the weather under any circumstances even if they could alter it!

Well, as you might guess I read him the riot act right then and there!

Me: "Mr. Gunter, I am Doctor Greg Hormone, Minister of Propaganda for White Mud Blues Band!, You may have heard of us."

Mr. G: "No."

Me: "Well you have now! Listen we have a show to do in the Detroit area on October 13 and we need good weather, how much do we have to pay you to get this done?"

Mr. G: "Mr. Hormone, you dont understand we dont make the weather, we merely forcast it as it happens, and we certainly cannot predict the weather under any circumstances that far in advance."

Me: Oh Cmon maaan we know what kind of equipment you clowns have over there...you are the guys that got paid by the Bush administration to sink New Orleans with that hurricane some time back."

Mr. G: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Me: "Look Mr Gunter, all Im asking is that you do whatever you can to make the weather suitable for us to travel to our show, make a lot of bad noise and get drunk and drive home safely without any rain or snow or tornadoes and shit ok?"

Mr G: " Mr Hormone,

Me: (interrupting him) "Thats Doctor...Doctor Hormone."

Mr G: "Doctor Hormone, we dont do that here. We just dont have that kind of forcasting ability or power to change weather conditions."

Me: "God you're tougher to negotiate with than Gus Zoppi! Ok, ok...suppose I toss in $50.00 to make the weather great in Michigan for the show! Cmon mutherfucker, work with me here!"

Mr G: "Im sorry Doctor Hormone, Im afraid I have to end this call...."

(click)

Me: "Hey you fake scientist sonofabitch....Hey! Ill make it $100.00! Hello?...hello!...asshole!"

So as you can see we have no real guarantee on the weather for the show....in fact I may have pissed off this clown so I have no idea if we might have bad weather in St. Clair Shores that night or not.

Later, it occurred to me that if these guys can mess with the weather, he could send a hurricane over me here in Miami again, just before showtime and that would be a real bummer...

Im gonna try and call him back and offer to send him some tickets to the show or maybe a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse or something...

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that Im still out here doing the work required to make this thing happen on my end...

Hope those of you involved with the show are doing your part...looking for free band equipment we can use, stockpiling cheap wine and condoms, letting your White Mud T-shirts ferment in a bag in the corner of the basement, etc....

I heard from Brother Chris Manos who will be joining us for the show as well, and the others have been checking in daily.

I have booked passage to be in Detroit on Wednesday October 10 at 4:00pm. Im leasing a big Black SUV like the CIA drive so we can ride in style to the show!

Im bringing White Mud T-Shirts, and a box of 50 Kazoos to distribute at the show.

Just in case bring an umbrella....See you on October 13 at the show!

Cody Will Be Leaving The Earthly Realm on Friday August 17 2007

2007-08-14T21:15:00.000-04:00

Friends, it is with sincere and no fooling sadness that I reluctantly announce the forthcoming demise of Cody my old faithful companion who has "shat" by my side all these 14 long years.

Cody's health has deteriorated to a point where the vet has reccomended that we let him now rest alongside the other famous dogs in history who have etched their piss stains onto the sidewalks of history.

Lassie, Old Yeller, Rin Tin Tin, Cudjo, Hootch, Sounder...

Cody will also now get to do his famous art work alongside such artistic greats as Picasso, and Salvador Dali who have long admired his talent from afar.

Maplethorpe the artist once remarked about Codys work, "I wish I could do shit like Cody does "Shit. I did Christ Piss, but nobody does shit like Cody!"

Cody was not only an artist in the veneral realm of fecal sculpturing, but a talented vocalist as well! Cody's famous CD The Amazing Wonderdog Sings Every Song Ever Written is a landmark in canine music. He literally stayed up for two weeks without sleeping to record this set of fine tunes!

Cody was in the process of writing his anals for an autobiography when total blindness struck and he had to dictate the last few chapters to the cat who typed for him until his hearing went then it was just too much for him. Not being able to hear what he was barking to the cat, he just went into depression and began shitting in small soupy concentric circles all over the patio and stepping in it.

He will be best remembered for his role as sidekick for me Doctor Hormone on many of my albums. He sang background on the tune Pathetic Lost Tape Song, and is referred to in the song, while he howls out the tune.

http://www.whitemud.us/download_media.htm Click on Download or Play at the linked page.

Codys work was recognized by the Pope and Smithsonian Institute on several occasions and President Bush had recently authorized one of his Golden Turds to be placed on the moon during the next astronaut trip from the space shuttle in 2008.

Cody's tribute to the American Indian will be remembered as well...Trail of Turds...seen below:

It was Codys dream to be remembered by his family and friends as a dog who loved to play. As a pup he was an avid football player and admired the work of Kez McCorvey from Florida State University, as well as that of his life long pal White Fang who fondly, and often said that next to himself, Cody was the "baddest dog in the whole world."

Cody even honored Wayne Kramer of the MC5 with a small token of his appreciation for the Dwayno's work:

More of Cody's work and anthology can be seen at http://www.doctorhormone.com/ at The Amazing Wonderdog page.

Cody will be honored on Friday August 17, 2007 at 7:00pm with a full Belgium Bagpipe band and some circus clowns who were available on short notice for a small parade on his behalf. A special Christmas turd wreath will be placed at the gravesite with a few dead cats and mice.

The family asks that donations be withheld and intead save your money to attend a wake party to be held when White Mud performs their 2007 Reunion in Mt. Clemens Michigan at Jagers Castle Rock Club 43785 North Gratiot Ave. Time and date to be announced later.

I will miss and always love my old friend Cody. Long live Cody The Amazing Wonderdog.

REST IN PEACE WONDERDOG!

White Mud at Jagers at Last!....Is it Really So?

2007-08-03T21:53:00.000-04:00

For all of you fortentious, malevoulent, boglifricant, meat eating fans of your favorite band from the late 60's (White Mud Blues Band) who have been waiting with "thumbs up the ass" for the Day of Reckoning...

At long last it is here!...Jagers Castle Rock Club at 43785 North Gratiot Ave in Mt. Clemens Michigan....is officially opening in September 2007! White Mud has been sanctioned to open the flood gates of hell for the fury of a reunion show!

Now, mind you...Jagers Clubmeisters will need you to show your support by stopping into the club before White Mud Blues Band and thier evil cousins The Incredible Mohawk Brothers make an official announcement for a performance, so they can keep the lights on for a week or so before we stop in to wreck the place, but rest assured....

White Mud Blues Band is now confidently making official plans for a full blown 37-8 year reunion of the band that brought you such great hits as "Baby Love" (cover by the Supremes) Umpa Dow Down, Hum Digga Digga, Curlers In Her Hair (oh no) and many many others!

Yes, this is the same band that brought down the roof of the famous Crows Nest East on July 18 1969, while those silly asshole astronauts of Apollo 11 were diddling around in the desert pretending to be "On the fucking moon!" Bullshit!

But White Muds Show will not be bullshit! Noooo...we will bring you the real thing maaaaaaan!

Visualize if you can, a group of amazingly powerful talented musicians that have not even seen each other in almost 40 years....coming together at last, to play music that they have almost never played together before, or at least for a long freakin time! Hell some of the boys are so old and stoned that they cant even play with themselves nontheless each other! It should be great!

Imagine an old 1957 GM truck going 80 miles an hour with no driver, screaming into the Macomb Mall front entrance! Fucking Beautiful! Thats the poetry of White Mud Blues Band!

Joined by their cousins, The Incredible Mohawk Brothers who have broken up, rejoined, and redefined themselves more often than they have wiped thier own asses, White Mud means to make a statement to humanity that, ......well...come see.....

Without breaking from tradition, WMBB plans to borrow every piece of musical equipment in the city of Detroit to build a "Wall of Sound" just as we did back in 1969! Phil Spector and Mike Quattro would be ashamed of what we do to audio production before we are once again arrested for actions beyond the control of the promoters!

The MC5 will be a mere vision of choir boys being punked in the ass by Black Panthers when we destroy the sweet memories of that innocent window in time. WMBB will play so loud and so poorly that people will be offering to return their consumed beers for a refund...on the dance floor!

Come see us ruin your town wont you?

Its finally going to happen! Stay tuned for details on the show plans by checking in to the Whitemud.us message board and this blog!

http://whitemud.suddenlaunch3.com/

Were gonna play everything, smash everything, and drink and fuck everything in town!

Make sure to get a babysitter!

http://www.doctorhormone.com/the_white_mud_chronicles.htm

http://faddaken.blogspot.com/2007_05_01_archive.html

http://www.whitemud.us/

http://whitemud.suddenlaunch3.com/

Remember lead paint and Good Humor Ice Cream Creamsicles! Remember White Fang and Faygo....Lake Shore High School, The Hideout, The Grande Ballroom, The Crows Nest East...

Stay tuned...its coming soon to Jagers Castle Rock 43785 North Gratiot Ave. Mt. Clemens Michigan.... Opening in September 2007! Your new Favorite place to eat drink and be merry!

This cheap little advertisement was approved by me, Doctor Greg Hormone Minister of Propaganda of White Mud Blues Band!-

Another Farkelum Sans The Doctor....

2007-07-14T22:46:00.000-04:00

Somebody had to publish this pornography, and I guess it was me.....

Another White Mud / Hawk Farkelum has occurred with the blessed presence of the clan....

Cousins Mikey Mo, Tommy Hawk, Strato Hawk, and White Mud Alumni Sir Martin, Chief (Now known by the cousins as "Hankerchief") Tony (Danny Terio, or now known by the cousins and officially assigned the title of Handsome Hawk...congrats Tony....you are now an official Hawk!) Diorio.

You clowns have continued to preserve the fantasy of WMBB/Hawk madness by subjecting us to continued uneccessary interruptions in our daily tv/news schedule by making us view your obscene presentations of lewd and liscivious behavior with female children, just slightly over the age of 18, and for that we are proud of you all!

You have collectively won the award for Lechmasters of America 2007....

You should be proud!

I will only ask that Sir Martin or one of you provide the appropriate link to the photos here so that the world can enjoy your debaucherous deeds!

White Mud/Hawk Farkelum (link to photos here)

As I understand, I personally missed a truly historic and eventful summit which I hope is only a prelude to the madness which will ultimately occur when the Mud/Hawk Farkelum meets to play together in the Jagers Castle Rock Club very very soon!

I wish I could do more, but I am writing this blog with one hand as you might well understand....

- Doc Hormone

Roll the tapes! some one!

Cody Is Still Creating Art at Age 101 (Dog Years)

2007-06-01T23:51:00.000-04:00

The Vet told us some years back that Cody's aging process would be a trying time since cocker spaniel's do not age well. It's not been pretty folks but I must say that he is still a master when it comes to his "Patio Shit Art."

While the aging process has rendered him blind in one eye and hardly able to see out of the other, deaf in both ears and rapidly losing control of his bowels and bladder...(I feel like a zookeeper most days) He cant walk very well and doesnt even bark much anymore, but maaan he still has a talent for creative art out there on the deck!

Check out his latest work!

Cody and I have had some man to dog heartfelt chats about his passing and he has considered several rather theatric exits from this world. We discussed a few that I found interesting and chose to share with you below:

Leaping ( actually being tossed since his leaping days are well over) from the Bluewater Bridge on film for his MySpace website.
Falling on a hand grenade to save his brother and sister (the cats) Again in a film for his MySpace site
Staging a car accident where we sue the driver after we sling Cody out into the street into the oncoming speeding car, both teaching the driver a lesson for speeding in a residential area and making enough $$$ to open Cody's Art Gallery so the world can appreciate his work...even in Belgium where shit is not art but a way of life!
Just going out into the yard and dropping dead with flies all over his carcass and turkey vultures flying overhead

We also discussed the idea of having him mounted by a taxidermist friend of mine and made into an umbrella stand to be kept at the front door. Cody kind of liked the idea of staying here at the house after his demise, and being more useful than he has been these long 13 human years.

At any rate, Cody just wanted to share this latest work of art, tottally untouched by human hands, no alteration has occurred here! I mention this because in the past some folks have questioned the authenticity of his past work as if it may have been "Doctored" to appear as something other than the real thing...

Let me assure you, that in all of Cody's past work, the feces were presented without any fabrication or altering whatsoever! Cody is and will continue to be the most amazing canine shit artist that ever walked on four legs and barked!

I envision the day when artists such as Maplethorpe and others will laud him with praise as the true father of shit art!

So in honor of Codys work I proudly present you his latest vowel...

Kudos to Cody's Doodies!

This could make a great logo for say...Jordan Marsh dont ya think?

I only wish I could have filmed him in the art process but you know how tempermental an artist can be...they dont like the Paparazzi anymore than Brittany Spears does when shes shitting all over herself....

So I will just leave it to your own imaginations to picture Cody squatting in a most purposeful manner spelling out words that somehow bridge the communication between man and beast as he completes his career as The Piccasso of Dogdom...

More Creative Signage Is Needed....

2007-04-25T23:04:00.000-04:00

Hi, Im Doctor Greg Hormone. Whenever Im driving in my car here in beautiful Scum City Miami Florida, and I stop at any intersection, I cant help but enjoy the Street People who are out begging for free handouts with their clever little signs that help define their mission.

Often the signage of these fine folks is scrawled onto a piece of cardboard or even a paper shopping bag for effect, and sometimes written in what appears to be blood for that special

touch of desparation...

Often I have seen these people use the same signs for days and suddenly they have a new sign...
I often pause and wonder as they pass by my car with that pleading stare and well planned costume of poverty and dirt...Tattered, raggedy, some with wheelchairs some have a well rehearesd limp or gimp...

Where do they go to get their art supplies and such to make their signs...and more importantly, what are they thinking when they create these signs?

Is it a shame and pity project? It works to a point but, Im always more attracted to the more creative signs. I never give these beggars a dime, but at least I can enjoy my 2 minute encounter while stopped at the red light exchanging stares with them, if their sign is at least slightly creative.

In business, and thats what this street begging thing is....It's important to capture the attention of your client, even in street panhandling. My father once shared a story with me about his days when he was a young door to door vacuum cleaner salesman:

"I would invite myself inside the home and once inside, I would quickly hock up a big nuugeee and spit it onto the floor. Then I would remark to the homeowner...What Ive done here today is a terrible and disgusting thing...But...you will never forget me!"

He never sold a single vacuum cleaner in his career and in fact was often beaten up and thrown out of the house, but it was true, they never forgot him!

My point is this. Even street people can be more creative in business with their handmade billboards and elevate to the next level of success.

So tonight, I would like to share my new designers collection of custom handmade creative streetsigns for panhandlers, beggars and bums. I like to call it the "Bumsigns Collection" And they are available now on my website for purchase.

Here are just a few samples of ideas I have that might enhance the public awareness and interest of the plight of the Street People:

You see how this message hits right to the heart of the person sitting in his air conditioned car?
Heres another....

This one plays heavy on the guilt of and for the patriot. Ya gotta give this clown a buck! It's a sure fire winner sign! Here's another:

Now this one appeals to the suburban Baby Boomer who just knows how important it is to keep up with the neighbors! It has an appeal to those fat assed bastards in their SUV's Theres more!

You see how this one captures the heartstrings of all mankind? Its easy! Nothing to lose to purshase one of these effective signs! Especially if you have nothing in the first place!
Heres one more...

Now your question might be...if Im a Bum, how can I afford to even buy one of these signs?

Good question! Shows that your'e listening and not wacked out on crack or sterno or something. Heres the deal.

We need a few men and women who can still stand up for more than 4 minutes. The job involves some minimal risk and people with no family obligations are preferred. This is a perfect opportunity for transient people such as yourself to pick up a free bowl of soup, a new street sign, and even some seed money, a couple of bucks for a cold one. This could be your golden opportunity!

The project is rather secretive as it involves testing some drugs for The US Homeland Security Agency and cannot be discussed any further except in person.

But if you are interested and have nothing to lose, and need a new street sign...any of the bove as well as several hundred more in our gallery can be yours if you wish to participate....

Contact Doctor Greg Hormone now for more information on this golden opportunity!

Wont you call today? Oh no phone? No internet? Of course...then just stop in at the laboratory
12108 SW 117 Court Miami Fl. 33186....

Another Cheap Advertisement from Outer Space...

2007-04-21T20:47:00.000-04:00

Hi, Im Lisa...Im an astronaut. Sometimes being an astronaut isn't easy! It's a pants pissing job.

Even though I never got to go to the moon in a formal mission, I did get a little Looney recently...and those Depends Diapers were the bomb!

Imagine getting pissed off at your "younger than you are, boyfriend" because while you are out flying around looking at atmospheric bullshit....So called global warming and all that other hooey! And Mister Young Dick is out boinking some other young thing...

You get home after a hard days work in the ionisphere, all sweaty and smelly from pissing yourself during takeoff at 12G's and your ready for a good hard banging from Mr. Wonderful and he is putting it to some other bitch who was banging Bill instead!

Fucking bitch! Thank God for pepper spray and Daisy BB Guns!

And thanks to Global Positioning Sattellite Transponders!

"As a condition of her release, Nowak was ordered to wear a global positioning satellite device, known as a GPS."

And if it wasnt for Garmin I would have never found my way from Texas to Florida! Or been released on bail!

Thanks Garmin!

They make the best damn global positioning transponders!

So much for cheap advertising which will hopefully get me enough money for my trial and upcoming legal expenses....

Im writing a book soon...Ill advertise that too since it may help get me enough money to get Bill back, and get back into NASA's good graces. In the meanwhile, fuck you Colleen Shipman you worthless bitch!

I pissed my panties for almost 1200 miles and those Depends were great! I had a shitload when I finally reached Florida, but when I finally put the hurt on that little bitch Colleen, I was fresh as a Daisy! Hah Hah get it? A Daisy? Daisy BB Gun?

Oh fine! Fuck you people if you cant take a joke! Hey Ive been into outer space and I dont have to explain myself to you ass clowns!

Listen, life is totally screwed up but one thing I can tell you is that whatever your reason for taking a long cross country trip, Depends Diapers will give you the freedom to travel from coast to coast, almost non stop (except for gasoline) to make your destination in record time!

Remember! Depends are approved by NASA!

Hormone Offers Shrunken Head Celeb Dolls on His Website

2007-03-18T17:41:00.000-04:00

Well kids, I am proud to announce that coming very soon to the Doctor Hormone "Shit For Sale" page at my website, are some new innovative products including the collectable set of Anna Newclitoris Smith, and Brittany Smears shrunken head dolls!

These beauties are one of a kind and serialized as official collector items. As you might guess because they are originals they are rare (only one of each) and as a result, rather expensive, but for that perfect gift for that special person, you cant do better than this!

As an honorable journalist I will not rat out my sources, but getting these items was no easy task, so thanks to "Fed-er-a-Line" and "Howard K. Sperm" I am able to offer these fine collectables as listed below:

So there you have it...The newest collection from Doctor Hormone...staying busy here at the insane asylum...check in with me often, as there is always something interesting going on!

Doctor Hormone's Multiplex Drug Under Fire From The FDA

2007-03-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

As we expected, the FDA immediately attacked our claims for miraculous results from the use of Multiplex (tm) The new miracle drug from Doctor Greg Hormone's laboratories!

We claimed in our ads that MULTIPLEX (tm) would cure all youalls ills! But The FDA took deference to our claims and now we are in a Federal Courtroom to defend our claims.

Let me start by saying that we never ever ever ever claimed that it would really work 100% all the time. The results that were sighted were anecdotal examples of what might occurr!

After all, if youre borne with a short horn, I mean uh...sorry thats probably your lot in life...we cant really make your pud grow from .025" to a massive 6" wanger! Pleeeeeeeease! are you really that stupid? If you are that much of a dumb dick why do you need to be any larger than life?

There have been some allegations of blindness and nausea, as well as complications delivering children and bowel movement anomalies....41" turd deliveries etc...

Doctor Hormone Industries makes no claim to the guaranteed success of our product ( did I not say that before?) Nor do we now lay claim to any allegations that your libido, penis size, asthma, skin complexion, spelling abilities, eye color, or hair restoration would actually change or improve.

We only suggested that it might change or improve!

The additional allegations that our product may actually cause hair loss, blindness, insanity, or impotency are totally without any substantiation whatsoever!

While a testing by the American Medical Association did indicate that 70% of our recipients did experience some level of these symptoms, it is no proof whatsoever that the product may be dangerous! We seriously question their results!

My father, the famous Doctor Guillermo Himmler has often said that "You cant have all winners!"

As I have often said,

"Conclusive proof of guilt only occurs when all avenues of escapism from guilt have been totally exhausted, both medically, professionally, and politically and you have run out of lies that work for you, your audience or both!"

In spite of all that has occurred, I soon hope to design a cure for a disease that does not yet exist! I will invent the disease, and then invent the cure or vaccine! I will call the disease AIDS.

This is the doctor that I am!... Greg Hormone -1968"

I hope that my dedication to medical science will convince those of you that have subscribed to MULTIPLEX (tm) to continue to use our product...

Dont worry about the clumps of hair in the sink alongside your pieces of lung tissue that you are coughing up each morning...this is normal for a few weeks!

If you have any questions about the product or symptoms, please call our hotline anytime between 11:00am and 2:00pm Mondays-Wednesdays!

1-305-233-8398.

- Doctor Greg Hormone

Breaking News on Several Fronts!

2007-02-26T00:37:00.001-05:00

Just when you thought the world was too crazy to wake up to anymore...

Item #1. FCAT Tests Proven to Cause Cancer Among 7th Graders!

In a breaking news release in Orlando Florida, the CDC has indicated conclusive results from students who have taken FCAT tests in recent months who have contracted various forms of carcenogenic anomolies.

The CDC posted the results of recent medical screening of studens from at least one high school in orlando that showed that of the entire body of students that took FCAT exams last year, almost 20% of them proved positive for malignant cysts of an epidermal nature.

The CDC refuted claims that the schools location situated right next to a radioactive dump site since the early 1970's had anything to do with the results of the test. Governor Charlie ( I want to make everyone happy) Crist said he would call on the Florida legislature to spend billions if neccessary to get to the bottom of this and if a special inquiry panel cannot resolve the matter in the next 5 years, he would consider suspending if not permanently eliminating the notorious FCAT exams which have caused various symptoms among many students, as well as their teachers.

Item #2. Falling Horse Causes Rapid Aging for 18 year Old Woman!

An 18 year old woman was the victim of a bizarre accident Wednesday when a horse fell out of an airplane on top of her. miraculously, she was not initially injured at all during the fall, although the horse died instantly after falling on the woman. Within 5 weeks, the woman began to experience a rapid aging process that doctors at the Memorial Naval Hospital have concluded is a direct result of a rare condition caused by falling equines. A lawsuit has been introduced by the family of the young woman who is now 80 years old according to authories.

Item #3. Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Tests Negative for DNA.

The Circuit Court of the Bahamian Government released the results of the DNA test which was finally ordered for baby Dannielyn Smith today. It turns out according to the DNA findings that the baby is not only, not Horward K. Sterns child, she is not even the child of Anna Nicole Smith. Baby Dannielyn is in fact the long lost illegitimate child of the late Yasser Arafat and actress Sophia Loren who met back in the mid fifties and during a secret tryst decided to have a child by a surrogate mother who was not selected until years later while the sperm and egg were kept in a cryogenic lab until Pontiac developed a safer automobile....

Item #4. Al Gore Declares Date for Armegeddon, January 14 2020. Justin Timberlake Lops Off is Ear In A Display of Lamentation

Should we even bother with this story?....I think not.

Breaking News on Several Fronts!

2007-02-26T00:37:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought the world was too crazy to wake up to anymore...

Item #1. FCAT Tests Proven to Cause Cancer Among 7th Graders!

In a breaking news release in Orlando Florida, the CDC has indicated conclusive results from students who have taken FCAT tests in recent months who have contracted various forms of carcenogenic anomolies.

The CDC posted the results of recent medical screening of studens from at least one high school in orlando that showed that of the entire body of students that took FCAT exms last year, almost 20% of them proved positive for malignant cycsts of an epidermal nature.

The CDC refuted claims that the schools location situated right next to a radioactive dump site since the early 1970's had anything to do with the results of the test. Governor Charlie ( I want to make everyone happy) Crist said he would call on the Florida legislature to spend billions if neccessary to get to the bottom of this and if a special inquiry panel cannot resolve the matter in a the next 5 years, he would consider suspending if not permanently eliminating the notorious FCAT exams which have caused various symptoms among many students, as well as their teachers.

Item #2. Falling Horse Causes Rapid Aging for 18 year Old Woman!

An 18 year old woman was the victim of a bizarre accident Wednesdy when a horse fell out of an airplane on top of her. miraculously, she was not initially injured at all during the fall, although the horse died instantly after falling on the woman. Within 5 weeks, the woman began to experience a rapid aging process that doctors at the Memorial Naval Hospital have concluded is a direct result of a rare condition caused by falling equines. A lawsuit has been introduced by the family of the young woman who is now 80 years old according to authories.

Item #3. Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Tests Negative for DNA.

The Circuit Court of the Bahamian Government released the results of the DNA test which was finally ordered for baby Dannielyn Smith today. It turns out according to the DNA findings that the baby is not only, not Horward K. Sterns child, she is not even the child of Anna Nicole Smith. Baby Dannielyn is in fact the long lost illegitimate child of the late Yasser Arafat and actress Sophia Loren who met back in the mid fifties and during a secret tryst decided to have a child by a surrogate mother who was not selected until years later while the sperm and egg were kept in a cryogenic lab until Pontiac developed a safer automobile....

Item #4. Al Gore Declares Date for Armegeddon, January 14 2020. Justin Timberlake Lops Off is Ear In A Display of Lamentation

Should we even bother with this story?....I think not.