Saturday, November 17, 2007

Scratch The New Cat...and Issues...

Dear Dr. Mordaunt,

Recently, we adopted Scratch a little kitten with real bad attitude from Town and Country Animal Hospital in Miami Florida, shortly after our 14.5 year old cocker spaniel Cody The Amazing Wonderdog was layed to rest.



Scratch was supposed to replace the joy that Cody brought us as a young pup, but he initially seemed to have just a little too much 'Vigor' ...Yeah!

We brought him home and after a few days of outgrowing his shyness, he quickly adapted to low level airborne flying through the room, hanging off of the curtains and framed pictures which were mounted high on the walls. I found him one morning, hanging from the edge of a framed wedding photo, tilted and ready to fall off the wall with him hanging from one corner. I wish I had that photo to send you....here's another instead....



After a consultation, we agreed that de-clawing and castration might be the answer to avoid our need to take the Clyde Beatty Crash Course on Cat Training. Our hopes were to calm him down to normal....whatever that might be.



We did have him 'modified' on November 6th this year at TCAH and the surgery went extremely well. He is doing fine and is very healthy. He has become a sweet loving little kitty who is still playful and frisky but no longer flies through the air.

We have put away the oven mittens and protective gear we previously needed to handle him. Our initial scars are healing well.



All is well with his health too, and his interaction with the older cats is now on an even playing field since they are now all declawed and his only remaining advantage is his youth and energy.

However, my dark side compels me to ask some questions. Could he be part Florida Panther? What kind of vitamins was he on? ...Cat Acid? Can we get some more?....Lots? Enough for a cat party?

I know that the castration of male cats causes this mellowness, but I am wondering if it would be possible to restore at least some of the madness this cat enjoyed prior to his gender modification.
If we could reinstall a testicle, so that he would no longer fly onto the wall and hang on pictures, but maybe just fly through the air a little, maybe for 15 or twenty minutes or so each morning. This would be perfect!

Im hoping that by restoring maybe one testicle, he could still be cute and able to fly across the room as he previously did, untill he grows into a weight and size where he eventually outgrows the urge as it becomes less desirable for all of us.



If we cannot re-install his original testicles as I am sure they have been disposed of, would it be possible to perhaps install a bee-bee or a ball bearing? Maybe two, so he would 'click' when he walked through the room and we could know when he is coming, or going?

What about feline steroids?



The male ego is a profound phenomenon of nature in all species and he seems to be a little melancholy about his own loss. I may be imagining things here, that are in fact beyond the psyche of cats in the first place but I just wanted to inquire...

We have trusted your team for several years and you have always been more than excellent in providing loving care to our family so we totally trust any advice you might provide.....

Am I on the ball here or just plain nuts.?

Please feel free to email me at Greg@doctorhormone.com or call me.

Also please enjoy some of our pets antics through the years at my own website http://www.doctorhormone.com/cody_the_amazing_wonderdog.htm and http://www.doctorhormone.com/the_lizard_project.htm

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Tis The Season!

Well the worldly holidays are once again in our midst and upon us like locust...(1st Book to the Chlamydians 11:18) Look it up!

Im investing in a 30 lb bag of black coal stones ($7.50) which I will use to send to everyone I know.

Just a black coal stone this year, along with a note that Santa told me they were bad. Or, I might just send everyone a cheap lamp. Imagine Christmas morning when everyone opens my presents to them and it is the exact same fucking lousy cheap $7.00 Captain Jack Sparrow Pirate lamp from Walmart! Sweet!

Either that or, shopping on Ebay for Reindeer hoofs...they make the perfect seasonal gift as they represent the spirit of Scrooge...which I think is high time to promote. Enough with living in this hypocracy...I say we tell it like it is!

In fact I'd like to look at opening a game hunting reserve where you can come and shoot reindeer during the Christmas Holidays...I'll call it the "Bah Humbug Game Reserve"

Hunters will prepay to shoot at selected animals for a fee.....Seasonal Rates from November 1 through December 25.

12 Year Old Zebra...$3900.00 (only one in stock. Take that trip to Africa without risk to AIDS, Ebolla or another tribal uprising! You can bag a zebra without ever leaving the good old USA!Reserve now!)



6 Year Old Mare Qtr horse...$400.00 (0nly one in stock. "They Shoot Horses Dont They?" Reserve now!) * leashed to a tree $50.00 extra.



OTHER STOCK AVAILABLE AT BAH HUMBUG RANCHES:

19 Year Old crippled reindeer....$100.00 each (only 2 left in stock. Reserve now, for the season)
Stray dogs...$35.00 each (75 left for the season)
Stray cats...$20.00 each (200+ left for the season)
Pidgeons...$12-15.00 each (Shooting while still in the cage is $2.00 extra each...1000 in stock)
Assorted aged road kill $3.00 per target bag (Good for still target practice shooting, trust me, you will know when you hit the target!)
Demented mother in laws...$1250.00 each * (tied to a tree $400.00 extra)

* Demented mother in laws can only be hunted after signing a waiver to assume full liability for a felony crime. There are presently only 2 left in stock as these are prized hunting trophy items, but the inventory is always available as many avid hunters are willing to offer their own stock as fodder in exchange for other hunting privledges which are exchangeable in our "Trade Mudders in Law for Fodder Program" which runs throughout the entire season. Call for availability and details.

Live video recording of all your hunting can be purchased as an extra. please contact us for further details....

Trophy dressing is also available at an additional cost however, our staff is not fully trained at this time, so we can only offer mounting of paws, hoofs, hands and feet. Please call for details.

Please be sure to bring your own protective clothing to prevent exposure to disease when the target splatters. Some targets may not be FDA approved for anything.

Any and all weapons are welcome and encouraged! The more creative the shooting, the more memorable the event.

Dont forget our "All Out Bazooka Hunt Event" Every Saturday, during the season, you can hunt anything on the feild with an approved NATO certified bazooka or similar weapon (see details at our web page) for a flat fee of $2500.00 all day! No bazookas are available for rent so its a B.Y.O.B. affair! Hunting Licenses will be checked at the gate beginning at 6:00am each day throughout the season!

Happy Hunting , Happy Holidays!


-Doc

Monday, November 05, 2007

Which Witch Is Which?


Ok, first theres something about grown men dressing in drag that has always bothered me...then theres grown men dressing up as witches that really is over the edge, but then there is something about grown men who dress up as ugly witches and get chicks!

After seeing The Chief, Sobah with this hot little number at Hooters during one of White Mud's Twin Township Tour Planning meetings in Detroit a few weeks back, I thought....is it actually possible that girls dig ugly male witches in drag? Am I .....missing something from my 9th grade Health Class about attracting the opposite sex?

Then when I saw cousin Jeff The Flavoyguy dressed in great pride for Halloween as an ugly male witch I thought....nah!

But still the question compelled me to ask...why would chicks be attracted to ugly male witches?

Im not going to pursue this question any further except to reflect on the number of spam emails I get offering me large doses of viagra and penis expander tools and toys....

Forget it...Ill just suffer along being a rather pretty fellow with an average size weapon....Im not going to sell my soul to the devil to get that kind of magic and forsake the status of being a natural 4.38" hunk that I am! Not that I have taken any measurements....

Is there something Im missing?...Whats the story with these ugly male John Holmes Witches?

Class over maaaan!
Stay tuned for upcoming video clips of White Mud's Twin Township Tour 2007 as they come along....
We had a blast and we are already planning our next year show...this time we will all be dressed in some costume and getting all the chicks!
Beware!