Sunday, September 16, 2007

Damn The Weather People Anyway!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Tonight, I contacted the National Weather Forcasters Office to make sure that the weather would be fitting for our now confirmed White Mud Reunion Show 2007 at Murphys Law Lounge at 37030 Jefferson AveHarrison Township, MI 48045.

I asked them two simple questions....

1) What will the weather be in St. Clair Shores and surrounding area between October 10 and October 17?

2) If the weather is bad, can you please change it to something better?

Simple straightforward questions...solvable problems....But their answers were more than dissapointing, they were downright dismal and inept!

First I spoke to half a dozen weather nerd wannabees who fended me off to the next dolt in the heirarchy of these failed scientists, before I finally got to speak to the big cheese who makes all of the descisions on the weather stuff.

When I finally got to speak to Mr. Gunter of the NOAA organization, he informed me that they have no way of knowing what the weather will be an any given location that far out in advance!

He then had the audacity to tell me that even if they did know that bad weather was going to be present in a certain location that they not only be unable to change it, but would be unwilling to even tamper with the weather under any circumstances even if they could alter it!

Well, as you might guess I read him the riot act right then and there!

Me: "Mr. Gunter, I am Doctor Greg Hormone, Minister of Propaganda for White Mud Blues Band!, You may have heard of us."

Mr. G: "No."

Me: "Well you have now! Listen we have a show to do in the Detroit area on October 13 and we need good weather, how much do we have to pay you to get this done?"

Mr. G: "Mr. Hormone, you dont understand we dont make the weather, we merely forcast it as it happens, and we certainly cannot predict the weather under any circumstances that far in advance."

Me: Oh Cmon maaan we know what kind of equipment you clowns have over are the guys that got paid by the Bush administration to sink New Orleans with that hurricane some time back."

Mr. G: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Me: "Look Mr Gunter, all Im asking is that you do whatever you can to make the weather suitable for us to travel to our show, make a lot of bad noise and get drunk and drive home safely without any rain or snow or tornadoes and shit ok?"

Mr G: " Mr Hormone,

Me: (interrupting him) "Thats Doctor...Doctor Hormone."

Mr G: "Doctor Hormone, we dont do that here. We just dont have that kind of forcasting ability or power to change weather conditions."

Me: "God you're tougher to negotiate with than Gus Zoppi! Ok, ok...suppose I toss in $50.00 to make the weather great in Michigan for the show! Cmon mutherfucker, work with me here!"

Mr G: "Im sorry Doctor Hormone, Im afraid I have to end this call...."


Me: "Hey you fake scientist sonofabitch....Hey! Ill make it $100.00! Hello?...hello!...asshole!"

So as you can see we have no real guarantee on the weather for the fact I may have pissed off this clown so I have no idea if we might have bad weather in St. Clair Shores that night or not.

Later, it occurred to me that if these guys can mess with the weather, he could send a hurricane over me here in Miami again, just before showtime and that would be a real bummer...

Im gonna try and call him back and offer to send him some tickets to the show or maybe a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse or something...

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that Im still out here doing the work required to make this thing happen on my end...

Hope those of you involved with the show are doing your part...looking for free band equipment we can use, stockpiling cheap wine and condoms, letting your White Mud T-shirts ferment in a bag in the corner of the basement, etc....

I heard from Brother Chris Manos who will be joining us for the show as well, and the others have been checking in daily.

I have booked passage to be in Detroit on Wednesday October 10 at 4:00pm. Im leasing a big Black SUV like the CIA drive so we can ride in style to the show!

Im bringing White Mud T-Shirts, and a box of 50 Kazoos to distribute at the show.

Just in case bring an umbrella....See you on October 13 at the show!