Wednesday, April 25, 2007

More Creative Signage Is Needed....

Hi, Im Doctor Greg Hormone. Whenever Im driving in my car here in beautiful Scum City Miami Florida, and I stop at any intersection, I cant help but enjoy the Street People who are out begging for free handouts with their clever little signs that help define their mission.

Often the signage of these fine folks is scrawled onto a piece of cardboard or even a paper shopping bag for effect, and sometimes written in what appears to be blood for that special

touch of desparation...

Often I have seen these people use the same signs for days and suddenly they have a new sign...
I often pause and wonder as they pass by my car with that pleading stare and well planned costume of poverty and dirt...Tattered, raggedy, some with wheelchairs some have a well rehearesd limp or gimp...

Where do they go to get their art supplies and such to make their signs...and more importantly, what are they thinking when they create these signs?

Is it a shame and pity project? It works to a point but, Im always more attracted to the more creative signs. I never give these beggars a dime, but at least I can enjoy my 2 minute encounter while stopped at the red light exchanging stares with them, if their sign is at least slightly creative.

In business, and thats what this street begging thing is....It's important to capture the attention of your client, even in street panhandling. My father once shared a story with me about his days when he was a young door to door vacuum cleaner salesman:

"I would invite myself inside the home and once inside, I would quickly hock up a big nuugeee and spit it onto the floor. Then I would remark to the homeowner...What Ive done here today is a terrible and disgusting will never forget me!"

He never sold a single vacuum cleaner in his career and in fact was often beaten up and thrown out of the house, but it was true, they never forgot him!

My point is this. Even street people can be more creative in business with their handmade billboards and elevate to the next level of success.

So tonight, I would like to share my new designers collection of custom handmade creative streetsigns for panhandlers, beggars and bums. I like to call it the "Bumsigns Collection" And they are available now on my website for purchase.

Here are just a few samples of ideas I have that might enhance the public awareness and interest of the plight of the Street People:

You see how this message hits right to the heart of the person sitting in his air conditioned car?
Heres another....

This one plays heavy on the guilt of and for the patriot. Ya gotta give this clown a buck! It's a sure fire winner sign! Here's another:

Now this one appeals to the suburban Baby Boomer who just knows how important it is to keep up with the neighbors! It has an appeal to those fat assed bastards in their SUV's Theres more!

You see how this one captures the heartstrings of all mankind? Its easy! Nothing to lose to purshase one of these effective signs! Especially if you have nothing in the first place!
Heres one more...

Now your question might be...if Im a Bum, how can I afford to even buy one of these signs?

Good question! Shows that your'e listening and not wacked out on crack or sterno or something. Heres the deal.

We need a few men and women who can still stand up for more than 4 minutes. The job involves some minimal risk and people with no family obligations are preferred. This is a perfect opportunity for transient people such as yourself to pick up a free bowl of soup, a new street sign, and even some seed money, a couple of bucks for a cold one. This could be your golden opportunity!

The project is rather secretive as it involves testing some drugs for The US Homeland Security Agency and cannot be discussed any further except in person.

But if you are interested and have nothing to lose, and need a new street sign...any of the bove as well as several hundred more in our gallery can be yours if you wish to participate....

Contact Doctor Greg Hormone now for more information on this golden opportunity!

Wont you call today? Oh no phone? No internet? Of course...then just stop in at the laboratory
12108 SW 117 Court Miami Fl. 33186....

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Another Cheap Advertisement from Outer Space...

Hi, Im Lisa...Im an astronaut. Sometimes being an astronaut isn't easy! It's a pants pissing job.

Even though I never got to go to the moon in a formal mission, I did get a little Looney recently...and those Depends Diapers were the bomb!

Imagine getting pissed off at your "younger than you are, boyfriend" because while you are out flying around looking at atmospheric bullshit....So called global warming and all that other hooey! And Mister Young Dick is out boinking some other young thing...

You get home after a hard days work in the ionisphere, all sweaty and smelly from pissing yourself during takeoff at 12G's and your ready for a good hard banging from Mr. Wonderful and he is putting it to some other bitch who was banging Bill instead!

Fucking bitch! Thank God for pepper spray and Daisy BB Guns!

And thanks to Global Positioning Sattellite Transponders!

"As a condition of her release, Nowak was ordered to wear a global positioning satellite device, known as a GPS."

And if it wasnt for Garmin I would have never found my way from Texas to Florida! Or been released on bail!

Thanks Garmin!

They make the best damn global positioning transponders!

So much for cheap advertising which will hopefully get me enough money for my trial and upcoming legal expenses....

Im writing a book soon...Ill advertise that too since it may help get me enough money to get Bill back, and get back into NASA's good graces. In the meanwhile, fuck you Colleen Shipman you worthless bitch!
I pissed my panties for almost 1200 miles and those Depends were great! I had a shitload when I finally reached Florida, but when I finally put the hurt on that little bitch Colleen, I was fresh as a Daisy! Hah Hah get it? A Daisy? Daisy BB Gun?

Oh fine! Fuck you people if you cant take a joke! Hey Ive been into outer space and I dont have to explain myself to you ass clowns!

Listen, life is totally screwed up but one thing I can tell you is that whatever your reason for taking a long cross country trip, Depends Diapers will give you the freedom to travel from coast to coast, almost non stop (except for gasoline) to make your destination in record time!

Remember! Depends are approved by NASA!