Saturday, January 27, 2007

Doctor Hormone's Breaking New Medical Discovery!


Im Doctor Greg Hormone. I personally know how so many of you are just plain sick and tired of receving endless mountains of junk emails that promise you solutions to all of your urgent medical concerns...

Some offer you instant prolonged sexual gratification with penile erections that will last for days, while others offer you releif from asthma, arthritis, sinus infections and others offer you instant body fat and weight loss!

Still more offer you assistance in memory retention and hair recovery!

Well what if I told you that I, Doctor Greg Hormone have finally heard your cries and I have invented the perfect all round pill that will bring instant releif for not one, but "ALL" of the following conditions at once!?

1. Massive or moderate weight loss, your choice!
2. Memory retention! Remember things you never even knew in the first place!
3. Massive permanent penile growth, in hours!
4. Releif from asthma
5. Relief from arthritis
6. Renewed sexual energy
7. Incredible massive hair restoral in just hours!
8. Complete dental restoration without any surgery!
9. Perfect sight restoration in hours! Without surgery!
10. Incredible penis erections that last for as long as you wish!
11. Permanent fresh breath even after eating a bucket of onions!
12. Cure from most drugs and alcohol addiction as long as you stay on the program
13. Eradication of Herpes Simplex Virus from most patients

Now, You might be asking how in hell can one pill solve all of these conditions!?

The answer is quite simple really, "We dont know!" That's right! We dont have any idea how this one tiny pill can solve so many problems at once but we do know that it does work!

After 35 years of experimenting with various chemical combinations that address all of the above mentioned problems that plague the human race, we have tested our new "Multiplex Miracle Medication" on over 2000 lab rats and at least several hundred human volunteers who have all shown incredible results in varying degrees to the listed conditions.

Our results have confirmed that in at least 35 to 60 percent of the patients in our tests, there have been positive results!

Here's how:

1. Monoglycerideplygorim is the active ingredient that reduces weight and body mass! It simply burns off fat cells and increases the human metabolism to a level of 200% higher than your existing rate. The result? You burn fat cells like freaking furnace while you sleep, watch tv, eat, and do virtually nothing! In a few short weeks you will be shopping for a whole new wardrobe several sizes smaller than you wear now!

2. Ulbamatimonoxidil has been proven to help people retain memory of things they never even knew! Imagine the thrill of recalling events that never even happened in your life! How psychopathatic is that? Better than not remembering anything right?

3. Libriumchopatiumdiexiside is the main active ingredient in expanding the size of the male penis. This drug has been used and tested in the growth of the human male member with amazing success! One test volunteer who was in our program for only six weeks grew from 1/2" flacid to over 9" flacid between January and March of 2002!

4. Tibriumgolthamide Dioxin is a known and proven reliever for the symptoms of asthma and in the controlled and appropriate doses can bring lasting and permanent control of asthma symptoms and help to fortify the human lung capillaries.

5. Infinitiumsarplex has been used in China for centuries in the form of a beta arthritic solvent. While used by the Tibetian Monks as a rub, it is now incorporated into our formula in our miracle pill to be taken internally! Arthritis symptoms have been releived in minutes by many of our volunteers!

6. Sexual energy can be greatly increased by a controlled dosage of Peckerdosteronecylidimide which keeps the blood circulation in the genital areas at a maximum! Hot and hard! Our miraculous pill is 15% higher in this ingredient than any other on the black market! And its legal!

7. Lexidramimene has been used as a small ingredient in other famous hair restoral systems with great success. Again, our system incorporates the maximum allowable dosage of this ingredient allowed by FDA standards! Watch your hair and penis grow at the same time if you can do so without getting dizzy!

8. Ectophenemineflouride has had miraculous results in forcing new perfect teeth to grow an replace old rotten teeth! Not only do new teeth grow in and simply replace old rotten teeth overnight, they seem to fit better, so misaligned teeth which are old and rotten fall out and almost overnight they are replaced by a new set of perfect straight teeth! Think of it! A new set of perfect teeth overnight without a dentis or an orthodontist!

9. Xenopropophailine is a derivative of Carrotinemonyglyerine which has perfected the sight of some of the keenest sharpshooters in the US Olympics Triatholon Teams from 1968 to date. You too can enjoy the results of this prescription as part of your miracle multiplex cure too!

All of these ingredients spell MULTIPLEX!

Too good to be true? Sounds like it doesnt it? But Doctor Greg Hormone has been accredited by the greatest medical and scientific associations in the world and has spent years to develope a medicine that would address several medical conditions at once.

The Story:

Back in 1957 as a child Doctor Hormone had a dream...a dream to cure several diseases at once so he could be a front runner in the Nobel Peace Prize awards for medicine. After several failures at medical experimentation, accidentally setting fire to a family pet which deeply grieved Doctor Hormone for several months, and then causing a cousin to go blind drinking some of his miracle Koolaide when Doctor Hormone was only eight years old, The doctor decided to focus more intently on using chemicals that were already in use rather than inventing his own chemicals.

In 1969, at age 18 Doctor Hormone moved forward with some formulas that showed rather promising results. He cured a small cat of distemper by feeding it small doses of bacon soda and gasoline with toothpaste which cured the coop cough for a few days but the cat later exploded when it sat too close to the fireplace and Doctor Hormone did some time in the Juvenile home for animal abuse.

Deeply misunderstood, Doctor hormone went into a state of depression and concentrated on smaller goals such as curing pet turtles from smelling bad in their bowl and conducting seminars to teach people to tolerate bad TV shows.

For years Doctor Hormone's secret dream was to cure several human conditions at once and he continued relentlessly until, almost broke he discovered the combination ingredients that comprise MULTIPLEX!

Today, Doctor Hormone is broke and destitute! In order to bring you this marvelous miracle cure for at least twelve major dysfuntions of the human species we have to ask that you purchase this miracle cure in doses of at least a one year supply at a time!

While expensive, you must consider the amazing benefits that can be realized for you and your family! Since not all of the benefits can be certified by any government agency, we can only ask that you trust the dedicated work of Doctor Greg Hormone who has worked relentlessly for years to help the human race solve these "Up Till Now" insurmountable medical conditions!

So, to help Doctor Hormone realize success in his quest for medical fame, you can now cure a dozen ills within your entire family with a years supply of MULTIPLEX, enough to keep a family of 5 healthy, hard, hairy, horney, and smelling at least ok.

For the small price of $759.95 you can buy a bottle of 1000 of these miracle pills. You need not even take them daily, only use them when you experience any of the symptoms mentioned above!

Whenever one of your family experiences any of the symptoms mentioned on the bottle, simply take a pill! That's all there is to it! It's that simple!

Too good to be true? Yes indeed it does sound so but if you can imagine Doctor Greg Hormone working on this medication for years, night after night, the dedication to this project should be enough to compel you to take the risk!

Cmon dammit $759.95! You cant even buy a freaking Superbowl ticket for that much and how much enduring pleasure can you get from a stinking Superbowl ticket?

Operators are standing by to take your call! Wont you help your family today?

Dial 1-800-MLT-PLEX

If you call today well even throw in a free credit rating and a deluxe mortgage home equity plan to refinance your home!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Orville Redenbacher Undead?

Wow! Just when you thought you've seen it all, along comes a dead guy, who was famous and apparently just cant give up that fame thing...or at least those left with his heritage cant give up the big bucks that his product has produced along the way.

So the reknowned Orville Redenbacher is actually back...somehow, and producing more TV commercials about his famous popcorn. He is not only alive and well as the newest commercial would have you imagine, but he even looks younger and healthier!

Might it be the popcorn? Is this the new pitch? Orvilles popcorn raises the dead?

Actually, Orville died from drowning in his jacuzzi tub during a heart attack on Septmber 19, 1995, so his appearance in a new TV commercial after his well publicized death is rather macabre.

I cant help but wonder how much popcorn you have to feed a corpse to bring it back from the dead. Questions arise...

How does one get a cadaver to eat popcorn? Which brand is best for a corpse? How much popcorn is required to raise the dead? Has the US Government been made aware of this incredible discovery?

Watching this new and profound commercial reminds me of the line that Fred Gwynn delivered in the movie Pet Cemetary modeled after Steven Kings book, where he said...

"Sometimes dead is better."

Quoting from Advertising Age, another web blog, The author writes, "I'm not the only one. The Copyranter, writing at Gawker, weighs in with a typically scathing word or two (my favorite: the ad industry would "reanimate dead Darfur babies if they could get away with, and it sold product." Patrick's Place chimes in as well, saying the zombie looks "more like Dana Carvey made up to look like an old man." In an aside, columnist/author/blogger James Lileks describes it thusly: "high octane nightmare fuel. It's a desiccated undead zombie-mummy in a bowtie, and it will steal your soul."

Nuff said. The bottom line is that the dead are truly among us, selling popcorn and looking as good as life!

Popcorn's ready!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Heartbreaking News About Cody The Wonderdog....

Cody The Amazing Wonderdog just celebrated his 14th Birthday yesterday...January 14 2007! He was a beautiful little puppy when we first brought him home....

But sadly, today one day after his 14th birthday, he accidentally fell in a ditch...actually a hole that was dug by my fence guy who was digging fence hole posts to replace some fence that was damaged by last years rotten hellatious fuck suck storms after hurricane Wilma recked our world....

The hole was a perfect size to bury him since when he fell in ass first, his head would only emerge if he did a little jump thing...otherwise he was perfect to bury if he would only sit still.....

I suggested to the fence guy that he simply dig a second hole for the fence post and use the dirt from the second hole for the fence post to bury Cody with, in the first hole...but he was an animal loving pussy assed loser (which cost him his tip) and insisted that I recover Cody from the hole so he could finish his work on the fence posts!

I am not making up one second of this story! I swear it!

I only wish I had the foresight to bring out the camera so that U-Tube could enjoy the pleasure I did of watching Cody scream and struggle to get out of that 3' deep hole.

I was busy doing a lot of other bullshit things and was quite pissed off todat so when the opportunity to film Cody in trouble presented itself, i was too pissed off and didnt bother to get the camera....

And That my the real tradgety of the story! If you could have seen this little fucker whining and struggling to get out of a hole as deep as his perfect grave could be....well it was perfect!

I suggested to the fence guy several times to just dig a second hole and throw the dirt onto the hole Cody was in...but Eugenia was there and he was an animal lover and blah blah blah....

So the real tradgedy is that I didnt film the little rat fuck bastard squirming and whining after he ran out in the yard and fell into the hole ass I could have made a million dollars on U-Tube with the video of this worthless little prick fuck dog making a nusuisance of himself and totally disrupting the days work.

Unfortunately he lives...and even after a bath which I refused to give him (Eugenia did it) he sits comfortably on my living room floor enjoying the luxury of my company while I suffer with his presence with the opportunity of making a kiling on U-Tube or something with a video of some of the greatest incidental animal abuse ever filmed!

Bummer that! I am not making up one second of this story! But of course without film, it is impossible to back up with evidence....

My only question is why the fuck did he not fall in head first so I could be writing a final story instead of just another chapter in the legend of Cody The Worthless Flying Fuckwad Wonderdog?

I hate him! I lost millions today!