Friday, July 14, 2006

New Gasoline Saving Devices from Doctor Hormone's Lab...

Amazing breakthroughs are occurring on the technological front!

Friends, in these days of rising insecurity in the world theatre what with the Mideast egaged in their bi-monthly feuds, gasoline prices are open season!

Those of you proud SUV drivers are by now frustrasted that you can no longer do wheelies at any given green light without consuming about $12.00 worth of petrol for that thrill! its a damn shame! What has happened to America's favorite past time cruising the streets looking for chicks, aimlessly buring gallons of our most precious commodity!

If only Kenneth Lay (prick)was alive to lie to us and tell us that we were in better shape economically than we really are!

As I see it, We have two choices:

1) Obliterate the entire Mideast Muslim world and take their oil reserves as we incorporate their real estate into our culture as the next 12 states in the Union,


2) Come up with alternative fuel consumption strategies such as clinging to trees, and saving squirrels, as well as other technological breakthroughs in use of our present petroleum products to be more efficient in using gasoline...

Taking over the Muslim world, while a rather artsy idea (in my opinion) is frowned upon by most of the civilized world and probably quite costly. If we could afford to wait long enough, these clowns in sheets would likely do it to themselves, but along with the unbearable wait to raid their fuel reserves, there is the possibility that they might take the rest of the world with them.

No my friends, the alternative lies with science! And that is why I am unveiling my newest product to the public tonight! It is the most efficient fuel enhancement product yet! I am a scientist! Trust me dammit!

While many other scientist types have unveiled fuel efficiency devices that are either installed into the engine of your car or added to the fuel of your vehicle, my invention is a simple and quickly installed device that has been tested by every agency involved in the research of fuel efficiancy efforts! The EPA, SPA, ESPA, ASPCA, even PETA has found my product to be safe to animals!

Its quite simple device is the result of a recent abduction by aliens from outer space who revealed to me (while I was a guest on their spaceship) the dynamics of magnets!

Thats right! Youve got it! Magic Magnets! My magic magnets installed on each door panel of your vehicle will enhance your gasoline mileage by at least 20%!

Im not making this shit up!

But these arent just any magnets! Nooooo! The alphbetic arrangement of the letters on the signs play a significant role in the success of this product. Now that you know the secret you could just go out and make your own, but since ours have already been laboratory tested and approved by the EPA, why would you risk making your own and take the chance that yours may actually cause damage to your vehicle!

Buy ours now and enjoy the absolute and SAFE guarantee of a reduction in fuel consumption by at least 80%! Im not kidding here!

Not only will you experience improvement in fuel consumption but the placement of these specially designed magic magnets on your car can actually improve your sex life as well! (tests are limited to actual sexual activity while within the vehicle equipped with the signs) Better than Viagra! And it lasts much longer!

Wait! Theres more! While your children are riding in your magic magnet signage equipped vehicle, they will become miraculously more engaged in reading and math skills as well as better behaved!

Not enough to convince you to buy them yet? How bout this? If you buy them today you could experience a new level of safety while driving in traffic. Statistically, our extensive tests have proven beyond a doubt that while driving in a vehicle equipped with the Magic Magnets, neither of our two test drivers had an accident, attempted rape, or carjacking occur during the entire 2 week period that both vehicles were on the road for at least 6 hours a day!

What have you got to lose? Better gas mileage, better sex life, smarter children, safer driving...My god only an idiot would pass on this opportunity! Youre not an idiot! You need to act on this special offer now!

Signage is limited due to the limited availability of this magic magnet material my space friends have given me to Beta Test this product!

In fact there is only enough magnetic material left to produce a dozen or so of these signs! In spite of the high demand and limited supply, our alien friends asked us to defy the principal of "Supply and Demand" and only ask for a mere purchase price of $289.95 per sign (plus shipping/two signs per vehicle required to achieve desired test results)

Im a scientist and we are sworn to a code of ethics! We cannot lie! It is forbidden! This is all true! No shit!

If you act now, as a special thanks from me and my alien friend from the planet Azuna in a galaxy far far away from here, we will also throw in a full set of kitchen knives from Germany guaranteed to stay sharp for a long time....

Act now! Dont be stuck in the driveway when the world begins to come to an end, At least have a way to run for cover to your bunker in the mountains!

What? dont have a mountain bunker?...WHAT?...Lets talk some more! If your are interested in a mountain bunker time share, please check the box while ordering your Magic Magnetic Signs.

-Doctor Greg Hormone

Sunday, July 09, 2006

A New Low For Miami Dade County Code Enforcement

Well, by now you all know how much I just love the crap out of living here in Sphincter City (Miami) The land of unbelievable rudeness and incredible ineptness...

I spend most of my waking moments and some of my best Alpha sleep moments as well dreaming and scheming how I can escape this land of incredible Bullshit.

We have had the house up for sale now for about 6 weeks, and during that time, I have had about 8 of my little home made "Home For Sale" signs which were staked in the ground alongside streets in my neighborhood, stolen.

At first I suspected that it was just the local unscrupulous Realtors stealing them so that they would not have any competition from homeowners such as myself who were trying to sell their home without having to suck up to the Real Estate "Professionals" and surrender a hefty commission. Hell they only have listings on 30% of the real estate in the city. God knows they need an edge so that little homeowners such as myself dont run them out of business. Right?

But I found out last week that the Realtors may have a new alliance with the Dade County Code Enforcement Office who has been diligently confiscating my little signs and finally today, presented me with a citation for illegally posting a "for sale" sign in the "Right Of Way" against a local ordinance!

I have to guess that the Dade County Commissioners have been given a mandate by the local gangsters who run the real estate industry down here. "Remove all competitive signage from people who are trying to sell property without a real estate lisence!"

I have so far received one and expect another $50.00 citation for posting my signs.

The battle escalated when I fortified my signs from theft by rebuilding them with scrap plywood and chains with padlocks shackled to other signage in the neighborhood so they would last awhile!

Notice the thousands of screws and chains and padlocks to keep the theives from stealing them...not crackheads! Realtors!...

Apparently, the Dade County Code Enforcement Goons

were frustrated when they didnt have the tools to remove the signs, so they instead delivered me a ticket! Then they came by later and cut the chains and removed the signs anyway!

It's sooo heartwarming to know that Dade County is hard at work fighting this intolerable crime of homeowners posting little "For Sale" signs around town which cause clutter and add to the already ugly landscape of Metro Miami's slumlike Neo-Puerto Rican ghetto ambiance! Go Get em Dade County! So ahead of your time!

God knows that the political campaign signs that go up around this Latino Frontier Wasteland each season when all the crooks in town run for office, are not as offensive as my little for sale signs! Especially when I have to look at these ugly crooks on every fence and lampost for the next six months beyond the election process!

There is only one way to be victorious over this kind of tyrrany. Leave! Just let me go!

Here is my battle plan:

1) I have listed the house with a legitimate realtor who will use the acceptable means to list and sell our house.

2) After we have closed on the sale of our house and as we are leaving this wretched
little Hellhole of a community, I will engage in a "Payback" campaign to let "Sphincter City" know just how much they are appreciated!

Visualize swastikas on every Dade County Vehicle done with graffitti paint and a stencil!

I will use the appeal process permitted on the back of these citations for illegal signage, until the year 2020, and about then, from my new home in New Mexico, I will send the tickets back to Dade County (if it still exists) stamped boldly with the word "BULLSHIT" across the top of each one I receive.

Before I leave this garbage dump, I will be stealing every legitimate real estate sign I see for any Open House or whatever and repainting them with the words..."Dade County is run by Cuban Nazis" then I will replace them on various street corners in the city.

I will be using all of the obnoxious literature I have received from various real Estate companies to fabricate bogus letterhead. I will then use the letterhead to create bogus complaint letters to the DBPR. Floridas Department of Business and Professional Regulation. The letters of complaint will be from one real estate company against another for ethics vilations (stealing each others signs) Untill such a ruckus has been caused, that the morons who run this town will be ass deep in investigations against themselves for shit they didnt even do to each other!

I fucking haaaaaaaaatttteeeee this place! Im hoping that I can get out of here just in time to watch the biggest ugliest hurricane hit this town and knock down every single sign in it! That will be the ultimate sign litter cleanup project! Knock em all down mutherfucker! Knock it all down!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Blow Your Toenails Off On the 4th of July!

Ok, lets start with a local neighborhood observation...In my little barrio down here in Sphincter City (Miami) I happened to notice that while every cuban in the neighborhood for blocks, has fireworks and they all are having a party with at least 12 cars parked on every lawn, the only home in the neighborhood flying an American flag is me and the family across the street. This is the 4th of Juuuuuuuuulyyyyyyy!

America's freaking birthday! So unless you clowns have the decency to at least fly an American flag, youre not allowed to blow off firecrackers without being required to at least lose a toe along the way!

Speaking of blowing off a toe, what the hell is with this Lamasil product? Are there that many people in this country with rotten toe jam that an American pharmaceutical company can cash in on the toejam plague with a product that guarantees to fix it?

For Healthcare Professionals
Treat the Infection, End the Frustration
Before they see you, most patients with onychomycosis try to treat the infection on their own. They become frustrated with ineffective treatment approaches. LAMISILĀ® Tablets offer effective treatment: high cure rates with low relapse, an established safety record, and convenient once-a-day dosing. In a 48-week assessment of clinical success rates with LAMISILĀ® Tablets, the following results were reported*:

70% achieved mycologic cure
59% achieved effective treatment (mycologic cure plus 0% nail involvement or 5 mm of new unaffected nail growth)
38% achieved mycologic plus clinical cure after 12 weeks of therapy (one 250-mg tablet daily) [mean time to overall success: 10 months]
85% did not relapse among those who achieved mycologic plus clinical cure of toenails (mycologic cure is achieved before clinical cure; relapse rate based on 38% of patients who demonstrated both mycologic cure plus clinical cure) Mycologic cure is achieved before clinical cure.


How bad is this virus? Are there that many people suffering from toe-rot that Lamasil can make a living selling it with this rotten little monster Digger who lifts up your toenail like the hood on a Bonneville, and crawls up underneath? I hate this commercial!

I have come to hate the way people treat this national holiday as if it were nothing more than a firecracker contest, and I hate the people at Lamasil for exploiting toe rot....let us live with our traditions of a few fireworks and more American flags and rememberance of our fallen heroes and let us live with our toe jam without little gremlins crawling up underneath our toenails to cure it!

How bout this for a July 4th Poster?....