Thursday, October 20, 2005

Doctor Hormone's Hurricane Question and Answer Board Part II

Back by popular demand, Doctor Greg Hormone provides even more insight and instruction for Hurricane preparedness in the heat of this 2005 Hurricane Season.

As Hurricane Wilma approaches the South Florida Coast, many questions abound...

Doctor Hormone, a self professed senior fellow at the White Mud Institute for studies of the bizzarre and has offered himself as the information expert regarding the preparation and recovery from such a storm. His credentials are impeccable in the field of science and Hurricanology.

Without further adeu, The following Q&A dialogue serves those who find themselves in the path of yet another one one natures profound events. As an added bonus, Doctor Hormone will reveal here on this board his theorum for an invention that may very well revolutionize the tracking and perhaps even the control of the weather phenomenon we call "Hurricanes!"

And now, more Q & A regarding Hurricane preparedness:

Q1: Dear Doctor, I have watched people in the Caribbean, the Gulf states, including Florida, prepare for these storms over and over each year, each month, and I cant help but wonder why it is, that with each impending storm, why so many people continue to scramble to buy plywood when each storm approaches....Why doesnt everyone in Florida have plywood (enough) to protect their home from the next storm by now? Do Floridians toss this plywood aside after each storm? If so, why? If so, where do they toss it? i would like to have it...I could likely build a house out of all of the discarded plywood by now! If they buy new plywood each time a storm threatens and then toss it, by now many of these people could have purchased a reuseable storm shutter system by now....

Armenian Plescoff, St. Petersburg, Fl.

A1: Well Army, that's a swell question...I havent got a conclusive answer except to offer a hypothesis that maybe many of these folks are either superstitious that the plywood is good for only one storm, or maybe they feel that like in a sporting event, using the same equipment more than once will not be effective...its a possiblity that the plywood is never properly installed and is long gone by the next day when they wake up and discover that their windows are all smashed and the house is fillled with water...some people never learn...

Some basic tips for properly installing homemade hurricane shutters can be found at this link which shows a way to install them so they stay in place and are available to re-use again another day....

Next question....

Q2: Dear Doctor...why is it that during every impending storm, the local news media people stand out in the pouring rain pointing at surfers, and scoff at the danger of such activity, while they are being filmed standing in the blowing wind, barely audible, as schrapnel flies by, and lightning explodes behind them, and they preach of the dangers of going outside while they point at beer cans floating by and coconuts dropping out of the trees behind them? What is the point of all that?

A2: Sorry, I havent got a clue! Next question....

Q3: Doctor Hormone, I have a winter home in Gladwin Michigan where I am originally from. My family moved to South Florida in 1971 and we have since rotated back and forth from South Florida and Michigan as each hurricane season occurs, quite successfully, between homes. We leave Florida 2 weeks before hurricane season begins and return 2 weeks after it is officially ended each year. To date we have never been here in 35 years during an actual hurricane.

Given the increasing frequency of these storms and our predictable evacuation schedule, what are the chances of our actually being here during a storm?

Emil Norpe' Miami, Fl./Gladwin Mi.

A3: Hey Emil, 1st of all, I said I wouldnt be doing any math related equations here ok? Secondly its a stupid and selfish question. Finally, if I was to place a bet on your odds, you and your family are very likely to either die in a plane crash, or a bad car wreck on I-75 in transit. Next question.

Oh? We are out of questions? Oh good then everyone is ready right? batteries, plywood?, booze?..ok hunker down and get ready.

And now, a Scientific Theorum on the concept of tracking and artificially managing hurricanes using a level of scientific intervention!

Imagine if you will, the possiblitiy of not only knowing where these huge moster storms are going, but actually having a chnce at steering them, or at least minimizing their punch so to speak....

Ill not mince words here, Im Doctor Greg Hormone...known for my scientific controversial approach to solving mankinds problems...(snort)

Often mankind is approached with a severe situation and conventional thinking just wont due so they call in an expert such as myself....I solve the unsolvable, right the wrongs and left the rights...sometimes an old lady pedestrian may get injured along the way, but sometimes thats the price we must pay for progress...

Right now, as we speak, and again, I wont mince words here, mankind finds itself in a world of shit...and problem solvers such as myself...professional problem solvers, have to come in and bail humanity out of the turd bowl...

Timeline: Right now....October 22 2005 18:00 hours EST...another major storm Wilma threatens the Gulf and eventually, Florida. Tracking the storm is feeble due to inadequate storm tracking equipment, but even if the storm was more effectively tracked, the best that could be done would be to warn communities to board up, prepare for damge and or evacuate.

Query: What if we had a way to cause these storms to weaken or even move to a direction that might cause less harm?

Today, we have a limited number of Weather Bouys stationed across the gulf that are intended to recognize and report changes in the wave pressure, wind pressure etc...back to a Center where the pros analyze and process the informatin to determine the best advisory for the community about to be assaulted by the storm.

Imagine, if instead of mere weather bouys, we had large seaworthy barges (Hundreds of them)capable of floating through the worst of weather, that were fitted with the same reporting devices to relay weather conditions, but also had large nuclear or even solar powered, remote radio operated refridgeration devices capable of churning seawater through a pump and over huge industrial massive refridgeration cores that would collectively transform the ambient temperature of the seawater to say ten degrees colder for a short period...?

Imagine a system of remote controlled sea coolers that could cause an interruption of the cycle of warm water-air propulsion that feeds the energy of these hurricanes? Imagine this system being operated on a 24/7 system similar to NORAD, where the threat level would trigger an activation of the refridgeration system to cool down the gulf waters and interrupt that menace to humanity?

Ok, there are many questions and issues here...what about the fish? what about the ecology? what about the cost?

As the problem solver, my task is already done....I have given you, mankind the answer figure out the not that good at the math on this kind of thingy...

I have concurred with another professional in the field of Hurricaneology, Professor Moamus Alexander Morgus...

He agrees that the details should be handled by the more mundane experts in the area of research...I am only responsible for the birth of an idea, and my mind would likely explode if I were to linger on the details.

I invented the moon, now its up to NASA to find a way to get there and back...

Somehow, I still have some small level of faith in the brilliant technical minds of our time, to take this brainchild to its full level of potential and make it happen....Stephen Hawkins, Bill Gates, Sir Martin will be men such as these that will run with this idea and re-create our planet to a place where we can abuse the environment without restraint and still enjoy some level of immunity from the results of our own greed!

What a great bunch of guys we are! And you, humanity are welcome for our gift of genius...Have a nice day!

-Doctor Greg Hormone 10/22/2005

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Welcome to Doc Hormone's Hurricane Answer Board!

You know, for many years, people have stopped me on the street and asked me..."Doc Hormone, just what kind of doctor are you really?"

I haved pondererd this selfsame questump with a great deal of regard and perhumpsion, and must admit that although I have no official credentials in the field, I am in fact, an expert at Hurricaneology....

Now many more people have asked me if that is in the same class as meteorologists or weather forcasters with all that math and stuff?...No, I work more on the lesser known specifics of hurricanes and am qualified to answer many of the off beat questions that those with professorial credentials are intimidated to answer for fear of losing their plaques and honorary frequent flyer miles, Starbucks discount cards and stuff that all those fancy guys get for being so accurate at predicting these things...

Instead, I have chosen a field of science that dares to go beyond the logical conclusions, the safe answers, and the omission of speculation. I alone, Doctor Greg Hormone, am willing to provide conclusions based on ancient history, a study of the humanlike personality of these storms, and other stuff that I just made up as I went along.

Through many years of very up close, and personal study, I have approached these monsters, looked them in their big eye, and written my results into a catalogue in hopes of answering many untold questions as to why? why? why?...

It is a daring field and often my answers may miss the mark somewhat, but they are certainly much more interesting than the standard Hurricane reports you may read or view in the mainstream media of weather forcasting....

With that all being said, I proudly present my most recent predictions for the remaining 2005 Hurricane Season, as well as a catalogue of questions and answers on a F.A.Q. board that I have composed for your scientific edification.

As of October 19, 2005 here is my final analysis of the remaining Hurricane Forcast for the year as of 6:51pm EST:

Hurricane Wilma:

Now as the storm moves at a west/northwest direction, toward the Yucutan Peninsula of Mexico, we can expect the storm to bring all sorts of grief to the people of Cancun and Cozumel. If the storm landfalls there, it will weaken somewhat but it will likely strengthen again as it bounces off of the Mexican coast like a big fat jumping bean, and head straight towards Florida, and my own home....Shit!

I have repeatedly discussed the option of hauling some icebergs from the south pole up into the Gulf of Mexico, to cool down the waters and calm the temperment of these bitches, but according to the people at NOAA and the National Hurricane Forcasting Center, they dont even have money in their budget to buy flashlight batteries! So...thats out.

I have also suggested conscripting US Federal Prisoners into a "Hurricane Wildcat Defense Team" who would be assigned the duty of building "fake cities" as decoys for these hurricanes to learch out at, and thereby expend all their energy destroying a city that is made of paper mache' and garbage...still, NOAA and others scoff.

I finally suggested that the US Government consider moving the entire Guitmo' Prison camp for the Al-Queda terrorists onto a cruise ship as there are several available for Hurricane Relief efforts, and have that ship stay mobile in the Gulf of Mexico, along with a few very dedicated guards, willing to die for thier country, who might "accidentally steer into the path of the storm" Still no dice...too political!

As it is, presently, Hurricane Wilma will probably clobber South Florida sometime Saturday night...and all of the plywood, water bottles, and batteries will not save your asses! You who live in South Florida are gonna get yet another ass whipping! Have a Nice day!

It will be yet another rotten weekend in the armpit of the world, South Florida...and not even a little bit of good will come of it. Oh well....we are all just ants with beepers and cellphones...Remember when you were a kid kid with a garden hose and you found an anthill?...Yeah like that!

Travel Plans for the weekend:

So, aside from all of the math stuff, Cat5, 822 millibars, 168MPH winds, 10-12" of rain...just think in simple terms....Rotten Day!...Really rotten day! If you were dying of some incurable disease or just so depressed, and considering ending it all, this weekend is perfect for you!

Check your ammo and insurance, and pack for a long trip....The weather will be great for that sort of trip! All other trips are cancelled.

Future track for Wilma beyond Saturday October 22...

Really, beyond Saturday, who gives a rats ass?...If you still have a home and a life....let the others worry about where the freakin storm is going! Likely there will be another one or two behind it anyway.

Now, The FAQ page comprised by you, my readers with questions on storm preparation and recovery;

Doctor Hormones FAQ page on Hurricane Preparation and Recovery:

Q1: Dear Doc Hormone, I have read that Hurricane Storm Shutter Systems can actually "wear out" in time. If this is long can i expect mine to last, and when will i know it has seen it's day?

Suzi Q, Pensacola, Fl.

A1: Suzi, Truth be the matter, Hurricane Storm Shutter Systems are worthless. They are just another way for someone to make a buck at your pathetic expense while you panic and try to re-arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic...You chose to live in a place where youre probably going to die anyway, and probably deserve it for being so stupid to think that you were escaping from the mean winter seasons of Michigan where you were probably inconvenienced but at least safer!...

Your storm shutters were useless the day you bought them, and when you have had to use them more than 4-5 times in one year, you should begin to look for real estate in Arizona, Loser. Next question.

Q2: Hey Doc, i read somewhere that these hurricanes are easlily intimidated by Voodoo incantations and that hanging coconuts around your home that are carved out as ancient dead souls, might ward off the storm. Is that so?

Fred J. , Baton Rouge, La.

A2: Hey Fred, were you awake at all for the last 2 months? If you can find your cousin Stella the witch doctor who lived in New Orleans last month, why dont you run that question by her? I understand she was run over by a bus, but good luck...maybe you could bring along some of your shrunken heads and other toys and see if they make any difference? besides, what the hell do you care? This one is coming straight at Florida, the stupid people who chose to live below sea level in New Orleans already have had their fun for the season! Idiot!

Q3: Dear Doctor Hormone, should i bring in all of my old lawn furniture or just let it go? Its rather old and i was thinking that the insurance company wold replace it anyhow. What is your advice?

Mike Hunt Ft. Lauderdale, Fl.

A3: Well well well, Mike Hunt....has anyone seen Mikehunt? Your just the kind of neighbor I always wanted to shoot by accident during the 4 of July "Fire into the air, and wonder where it drops" festival that many of my Cuban neighbors think is so "American"

Mike, take a tip....Tie the largest piece of lawn furniture you have, to your youngest child. Leave it on the porch. If your child loves you it will come back. If not, you always have the insurance claim form.

Q4: I have read much of your informative info from your book "Battling Hurricanes in the 21st Century" and the book is profound and replete with powerful advice for homeowners who live in the hurricane zones of the United States. You are an amazing man and i for one, worship the incredible advice you offer in that book!

You are an amazing man for one lacking any professional education in the study of natural weather phenomenon, an i for one fimly believe that your dynamic approach to refuting these storms is not only relevant but essential for those of us who have chosen to live our lives in the face of this evil weather, that certainly portends the end of the world as we know it! What does this mean from a biblical sense?

Anonymous, Somewhere....

A4: Thanks Mom, but really there is nothing for you to worry about. You are safe wherever you are right now...and please stop writing from the scares me!

Q5: Dear Hormone....given the current currents, and the longitudinal latitudes, with the barometric pressure occluding between the present measure of 882.5-894.68, and the omnicient pressure of the downward Front, which will extend along coordinates pt. 234l. and .8 for the next 36 hours, and the dynamic of extratresential trade winds countering the vex force of 16.45 on the Barmistfa scale of Orbitron in the quadrant of meg .644 with sea temps exceeding the norm of Testres scale of 1948, (appx 92 degrees fairenheit) do you think that Wilma will be wearing a tutu when she comes ashore sometime Saturday morning in Miami, or will there be dancing in the streets of Italy since Naples Fl. is the sister city to Naples in that country?

Giovanni L. Naples, Italy

A5: What the fuck?...Hey ya fucking dago i said there wasnt gonna be any math here! Go find your rosary! Nipple!

Q6: I was hoping you could offer some suggestions as to what graffitti i should write on my hurricane shutters that might intimidate the coming storm to keep it away from my house as you have written in previous advisories, so that my family might be spared from harm. I am concerned since I have lots of large trees on my property that i am fearful may fall onto our home and crush us all. Your thoughts?

Arlene Johnson Miami, Fl.

A6: Oh, Arlene, my dear Arlene...I was kidding....If you write bad things on your hurricane shutters, these monsters actually can read, and if the eye sees any taunting words, like a rabid dog being taunted in a yard with a chain link fence and a locked gate, you will surley be very sorry....

Instead, i suggest that if you are as ugly as you are stupid, you instead, sacrafice your prettiest daughter if you even have one, by strapping her legs a-kimbo between two of your favorite large trees. Put a sign out in the yard that says simply, "Hey Wilma ya lesbo, eat this!"

If youre lucky your daughter will only get a good douching which she likely needs, if may at least be a human sacrafice that will keep the storm busy enough to prevent further damage to your home...its a tossup so to speak! Use spell check! Hurricanes hate bad punctuation!

Well, thats all for now....I Doctor Hormone must get back to reinstalling my worthless shutters. There will be more later on the recovery episode of this event later....

Also stay tuned to the White Mud Blog for upcoming hurricane news....

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Bell South needs an ass kicking

Without boring the living hell out of you who are customers of BellSouth telephone services, with yet another sad story about these lying greedy theives, I only want to encourage you all to steal and sabotague their efforts in any way you can.

Bellsouth is a very powerful American Corporation, with lobbyists and attorneys that insulate them from having to be honest about their business practices. They have operated as an illegal monopoly for over 50 years. They steal and lie from every customer on their account list.

Trying to enroll the Florida Public Service Comission to solve your problems is like hiring the Mafia to stop extortion....The Florida Public Service Commission are a government organization that has been bought and paid for by the crooks that run Florida's Congress. The PSC is an organization that has been bought and paid for by the very utilities that they profess to govern.

Therefore, the best way to get even with Bellsouth for all of their blatant criminal activities is to sabotague them in legal, manners....

1) File complaints daily!

Your are allowed to complain as often as you like about your service....even if it is good, I reccomend you complain daily, because it will be bad one day and all of the unneccesary complaining will one day add up to the work you will have to do to solve a real problem....

I like to call it advanced, or credit "bitching!"

File complaints with the Florida PSC as often as you can, because even if they are not justified, they will be one day very soon. These worthless clowns who are basically owned by the Utility companies (Bellsouth) have a responsibility which is cloaked behind a wall of political protection to keep the consumer from any real level of satisfaction.

2) Bitch to the Governor!

Remind the governor of Florida that you will vote his ass out of office if he doesnt attend to your complaints! I dont give a rats ass who the governor is.....make him earn his keep!

3) Steal from and fuck with Bellsouth!

Im not sure how to do this, even if I did know exactly how, I probably couldn't tell you how to do this, without incriminating myself....but if you can steal their tools, their trucks, their service, and sabotague their equipment! They deserve it! They lie cheat and steal from their customers all day long.

My dream is that some shark who knows how to hack their computers, goes in one day and blows out their entire their accounts receivable data base is gone!

Bellsouth is public enemy #1!

And the Government of Florida licks the balls of their corporate Fuckwads on a daily basis!

This utility operates as a monopoly and this is a crime! But these days crimes are tolerated by the crooks who run the country and so we must operate as gorillas....

Fuck with Bellsouth whenever you can, whenever you feel safe....

We are the customers of a pig company with no manners, no efficincy, and no regard for the welfare of those serve! They are not just sloppy, they are the enemy!

Fuck Bellsouth! Smash them in the mouth! Copy this to all of your friends who are also angry fucked over customers of these theives and lets start a war!

I need not explain the circumstances of my plight...those of you who are enemies of this illegal monopoly know why I would write this,.....pass it on.