Wednesday, September 28, 2005

More On Hurricanes?....Why?

As if you havent had enough about the storms that nearly destroyed two or three major cities in the southeastern United States this year, heres some more worthless information:

1) Nearly all of the Original Flying Monkeys from the original Wizard Of Oz movie were killed trying to divert Hurricane Katrina from decimating the gulf coast. They bravely flew a mission over the gulf coast just south of New Orleans, trying to persuade the Hurricane to chase them as a distraction...

They failed, as the hurricane quickly swirled around them with its big fat arm of rain filled wind, and pulled them all down into the gulf waters and drowned them...All save Fred, the oldest and ugliest Flying Monkey...who looks a lot like our brother in White Mud, Bill Deagan...but its not Bill...

Fred lives on to tell the sad tale of their expedition...coming in a blog later this month...




2) Kofi Anon was accidentally speared through the head by The National Guard who mistook him as a looter since he was wearing raggedy short khakis and a Crips Gang T-Shirt while carrying a 52" Plasma TV screen out of the New Orleans Walmart on Front Street. It was covered up by the mainstream media, but the same guy who filmed the assault on Rodney King in LA a few years earlier, accidentally left his video camera running, and the entire event was captured by the Knights of the Royal Order of The Clan when they recovered the camera after its owner was eaten by a large crocodile near the 18th Street Bridge. So the story goes....

Mr. Anon seems to be recovering quite nicely from the wound and promises that he holds no remorse against the National Guard since he feels that his bandages which resemble a turban have endeared him to the Al Queda factions that he has hoped to find an avenue of communication with, in order to bring about world peace....What a guy! (He kept the TV)




3) At least 5 Dalmation dogs were lost during the storm. A search has been launched for the 6th missing dog. It is believed that President Bush may be directly responsible for thier deaths since he is alledged to have caused the storm in the first place, by unleashing an old war machine designed by the communists which controls the weather. Bush publicly apologized today saying that he had no idea that the war machine would single out a particular breed of dogs.

4) Frank Johnson of Baton Rouge L.A. lost his 12' fishing boat during the storm, and has posted a $40,000.00 for the recovery of his boat, since the hull was filled with 2.5 million dollars of cocaine. The boat is a small silver Groatsman Special, with the licence number #E50469881 on either side of the hull. Frank can be reached at the following phone: 402-281-1594. Please do not contact the F.B.I. or others on this, Frank would like to keep this matter kinda quiet.

5) The Homeland Security Office has denied allegations that they are training allgators to eat any illegal aliens who may attempt to land in what may be construed as unguarded coastal shores. Homeland Defense Director Howard Flemson remarked:

"Please!, How could we possibly teach these gators to make a distinction between an Illegal Alien who is just landing, and one who has already sneaked in in such a short time?"

6) General Motors is recalling 200,000 Pontiac Sunbirds from 1970-2001 that were supposed to be able to float for more than an hour, in 6'+ of brackish water. They didnt! apparently, the door seals failed in salt water and they sank much like everything else! Contact your loca GM dealer if you owned one of these vehicles.

7) Lousiana Power and Light has offered a discount to property owners who wish to turn on their power before their property has been fully drained of seawater. Realizing the reluctance of homeowners who are intimidated by the possibility of electrocution, the power company has offered the incentive at least until the standing water recedes to at least a puddle.

Emo Gropli From LP&L promised that they could minimize the danger by regulating the power to a mere harmless 24volts to prevent electrocution, but that the power would only light a lamp as bright as a common matchstick.

And finally, Bayou Joe is back in business, selling 4-8 week old dead fish that he has collected across the bay, for an extreme discount of .12 pound! Joe insists that these fish are still edible if properly salted. Visit his website for a Cajun recipe on old salted fish creole style!

Well thats it for now... Stay tuned for more good news as life goes on...

Oh one last thing...free tetanus and dyptheria shots will be administered at the Old Church in Calai Parish on Deagen road just south of I-10.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Whaaa? I Cant Heeeear Yoooouu! The Storm is Still Ringing In My Eaaars!

Boy oh boy...I tell you there is nothing more invigorating than a major storm or two to cool you off during a hot summer in Little Havana....

I dont have a pool so when these storms come through and flood out our streets, swamp our homes and ruin our lawn tools, its quite a relief!

We get to go rafting down the middle of suburban streets with our Cuban neighbors who just never seem to get over the thrill of a good raft ride...



We get to cool off in that swampy brackish sewer water, floating turds and all, and get an organic sauna with slimy organic hair conditioner, and god knows how healthy this is for your skin!
It's all good man!....I dont even have to mow my lawn anymore since all of my yard tools are filled with rust and slime.

This is the stuff of real men! Pirates! Haaaaar! I can smell the sweet smell of sweat and feces and urine and it makes a man proud to be a man!

Im going to miss it though when I move my scrawny little ass to Nevada or Arizona next year where I can sit on my porch in the dessert, spit tobacco and shoot rattlesnakes in my front yard while I clean my gun.

Yessir...Doc Hormone and Judge Roy Bean on the porch together...sharing stories of White Mud, The Incredible Mowhawk Brothers, and life in the surreal settings of 2005...

Ya know, I spoke with my old friend Quentin Tarrentino the other day and he wants to produce the story of how George Bush almost destroyed the White Mud Reunion Show, by obtaining secret plans to change the weather from the Japanese mafia...and using these plans to engineer the Hurricanes to swamp my house and damage the levees of New Orleans to destroy only the black section of the city...

It's gonna be on HBO next year....Im hoping that my royalties will help buy an iron lung for my old dog Cody who suffered a lot of lung damage while barking at the hurricanes all night outside in the rain....

I tried...Lord knows I tried to get him to come in the house, but he just felt it was his domestic duty to fend off these storms by barking them away...




He even left a few land mines out on the deck to threaten the storms but unfortuneately, they were washed away before they could do any significant damage to the storm.
I have concluded that these storms behave similar to any other storm except that they are much bigger and meaner....

If you wash your car, it will rain....if you clean up your yard after a hurricane, before the mean season is over....another will come and you will do it all over again....

Hurricane Rule #1: Never ever ever ever...clean your yard after a hurricane hits. Another will come right behind it, and you will be caught in that eternal mode of rearranging the deck chairs of the Titanic.

Instead, leave all of the crap out there at least through the remainder of the season. In fact, I have invited my neighbors to dump their trash on my lawn, and I have requested the county to leave it there until December as camoflague.

I figure that the next hurricane will look down out of its ugly one eye, and see my wrecked home...and skip over it, sort of like the Angel of Death during the plagues of Egypt during the first "Passover"

I have written to the Directors of the National Hurricane Center and NOAA with several rather creative ideas to defend against hurricanes.
Here are just a few:

1) Before a major storm, paint your entire house bright red! All of it! Windows, lawn, trees, roof, walls. The storm will not recognize the structure as a dwelling for us lowly bugs with beepers, and will pass over...With all the rain and wind, your house will look like a little apple or cherry from the eye and the storm may disregard it.
It worked for Clint Eastwood in that movie where he painted the entire town red...He won! Why cant we?

2) Set up fake cities for the hurricanes to attack. We could employ the looters from the previous years storms into forced labor camps to stay and build Hollywood type facades of towns that would serve as decoys for these storms which are just violent in nature and want to break something worthwhile.

We would build these fake towns in areas where no real people live, and let the storms be fooled into spending their energy into wrecking a decoy. While most hurricanes are mean, they are dumb and are easily fooled!

3) Fill the coastal waters of Africa with ice each summer so that the storms cannot develop. If we haul a few icebergs up from Antartica or from the Northern Sea, we coud cool down the waters enough to abort Mother Natures Children from Hell. If it doesnt work, at least we could make a hell of a Slurpy!

4) Fill the Caribbean and the Guf of Mexico with jello or sludge from the oil rigs, so that the water is so heavy that the storm cannot pick up the water. it would be a major cleanup, but at least it would be away from the inhabited sections of the planet.

Or, option B: Drain the Gulf of Mexico each year, (yes another major daunting task but still better than what we have now) by drilling a hole to China whom we never really liked anyhow. Let the water drain all te way to China and then shut the valve. As the hurricane passes, and the world turns, open the valve again so that the water drains back through the center of the earth and back into the Gulf of Mexico again. Big job i know, but what are the options?

Im on this! In working with the National Security officials to develop one of these plans and Ill keep you all posted. At least im thinking...Not clearly...but...

Friday, September 02, 2005

The End Of The World As We Know It...

Like a bad HBO Movie....

New Orleans, Biloxi, and other beautiful port cities are lost for at least the next 5 years! In the meanwhile, the swamps of these former Urban communities will become landing grounds for all kinds of illegal activities.

We will have millions of crime reports coming from this new frontier of madness for the next 5 years!

This is a breach of civility....The Great American frontier has been breached....Plan on a new approach to controlling the law and order in America...

The looting and madness is just a portent of what is yet to come....

We have a hole in in the integrety of stability....Watch! Trust me...the worst is yet to come....

This is the beginning of the end of stability in America as we know it!

Its a sad day but I believe it to be true....

There will likely be lawlessness at a much higher level when illegal immigrants and terrorists discover the "breach" in civil order created by this natural disaster. New Orleans will return to a haven for Pirates and theives as it was in the 19th, 18th and 17th centuries.

Later, as people become sick from wading in the filthy waters of the streets of this event, and contract typhoid, disentery, tyberculosis, hepatitis, and other communicable diseases and then travel freely to other parts of the word, they will inadvertantly share their gifts with the rest of humanity...should be fun.

Stay tuned....