Monday, February 26, 2007

Breaking News on Several Fronts!

Just when you thought the world was too crazy to wake up to anymore...

Item #1. FCAT Tests Proven to Cause Cancer Among 7th Graders!

In a breaking news release in Orlando Florida, the CDC has indicated conclusive results from students who have taken FCAT tests in recent months who have contracted various forms of carcenogenic anomolies.

The CDC posted the results of recent medical screening of studens from at least one high school in orlando that showed that of the entire body of students that took FCAT exms last year, almost 20% of them proved positive for malignant cycsts of an epidermal nature.

The CDC refuted claims that the schools location situated right next to a radioactive dump site since the early 1970's had anything to do with the results of the test. Governor Charlie ( I want to make everyone happy) Crist said he would call on the Florida legislature to spend billions if neccessary to get to the bottom of this and if a special inquiry panel cannot resolve the matter in a the next 5 years, he would consider suspending if not permanently eliminating the notorious FCAT exams which have caused various symptoms among many students, as well as their teachers.

Item #2. Falling Horse Causes Rapid Aging for 18 year Old Woman!

An 18 year old woman was the victim of a bizarre accident Wednesdy when a horse fell out of an airplane on top of her. miraculously, she was not initially injured at all during the fall, although the horse died instantly after falling on the woman. Within 5 weeks, the woman began to experience a rapid aging process that doctors at the Memorial Naval Hospital have concluded is a direct result of a rare condition caused by falling equines. A lawsuit has been introduced by the family of the young woman who is now 80 years old according to authories.

Item #3. Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Tests Negative for DNA.

The Circuit Court of the Bahamian Government released the results of the DNA test which was finally ordered for baby Dannielyn Smith today. It turns out according to the DNA findings that the baby is not only, not Horward K. Sterns child, she is not even the child of Anna Nicole Smith. Baby Dannielyn is in fact the long lost illegitimate child of the late Yasser Arafat and actress Sophia Loren who met back in the mid fifties and during a secret tryst decided to have a child by a surrogate mother who was not selected until years later while the sperm and egg were kept in a cryogenic lab until Pontiac developed a safer automobile....

Item #4. Al Gore Declares Date for Armegeddon, January 14 2020. Justin Timberlake Lops Off is Ear In A Display of Lamentation

Should we even bother with this story?....I think not.


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