Sunday, July 09, 2006

A New Low For Miami Dade County Code Enforcement

Well, by now you all know how much I just love the crap out of living here in Sphincter City (Miami) The land of unbelievable rudeness and incredible ineptness...

I spend most of my waking moments and some of my best Alpha sleep moments as well dreaming and scheming how I can escape this land of incredible Bullshit.

We have had the house up for sale now for about 6 weeks, and during that time, I have had about 8 of my little home made "Home For Sale" signs which were staked in the ground alongside streets in my neighborhood, stolen.

At first I suspected that it was just the local unscrupulous Realtors stealing them so that they would not have any competition from homeowners such as myself who were trying to sell their home without having to suck up to the Real Estate "Professionals" and surrender a hefty commission. Hell they only have listings on 30% of the real estate in the city. God knows they need an edge so that little homeowners such as myself dont run them out of business. Right?

But I found out last week that the Realtors may have a new alliance with the Dade County Code Enforcement Office who has been diligently confiscating my little signs and finally today, presented me with a citation for illegally posting a "for sale" sign in the "Right Of Way" against a local ordinance!

I have to guess that the Dade County Commissioners have been given a mandate by the local gangsters who run the real estate industry down here. "Remove all competitive signage from people who are trying to sell property without a real estate lisence!"

I have so far received one and expect another $50.00 citation for posting my signs.

The battle escalated when I fortified my signs from theft by rebuilding them with scrap plywood and chains with padlocks shackled to other signage in the neighborhood so they would last awhile!

Notice the thousands of screws and chains and padlocks to keep the theives from stealing them...not crackheads! Realtors!...

Apparently, the Dade County Code Enforcement Goons

were frustrated when they didnt have the tools to remove the signs, so they instead delivered me a ticket! Then they came by later and cut the chains and removed the signs anyway!

It's sooo heartwarming to know that Dade County is hard at work fighting this intolerable crime of homeowners posting little "For Sale" signs around town which cause clutter and add to the already ugly landscape of Metro Miami's slumlike Neo-Puerto Rican ghetto ambiance! Go Get em Dade County! So ahead of your time!

God knows that the political campaign signs that go up around this Latino Frontier Wasteland each season when all the crooks in town run for office, are not as offensive as my little for sale signs! Especially when I have to look at these ugly crooks on every fence and lampost for the next six months beyond the election process!

There is only one way to be victorious over this kind of tyrrany. Leave! Just let me go!

Here is my battle plan:

1) I have listed the house with a legitimate realtor who will use the acceptable means to list and sell our house.

2) After we have closed on the sale of our house and as we are leaving this wretched
little Hellhole of a community, I will engage in a "Payback" campaign to let "Sphincter City" know just how much they are appreciated!

Visualize swastikas on every Dade County Vehicle done with graffitti paint and a stencil!

I will use the appeal process permitted on the back of these citations for illegal signage, until the year 2020, and about then, from my new home in New Mexico, I will send the tickets back to Dade County (if it still exists) stamped boldly with the word "BULLSHIT" across the top of each one I receive.

Before I leave this garbage dump, I will be stealing every legitimate real estate sign I see for any Open House or whatever and repainting them with the words..."Dade County is run by Cuban Nazis" then I will replace them on various street corners in the city.

I will be using all of the obnoxious literature I have received from various real Estate companies to fabricate bogus letterhead. I will then use the letterhead to create bogus complaint letters to the DBPR. Floridas Department of Business and Professional Regulation. The letters of complaint will be from one real estate company against another for ethics vilations (stealing each others signs) Untill such a ruckus has been caused, that the morons who run this town will be ass deep in investigations against themselves for shit they didnt even do to each other!

I fucking haaaaaaaaatttteeeee this place! Im hoping that I can get out of here just in time to watch the biggest ugliest hurricane hit this town and knock down every single sign in it! That will be the ultimate sign litter cleanup project! Knock em all down mutherfucker! Knock it all down!


Anonymous Herr Himler said...

It is too bad that you have to deal with lowly "Sign Nazis" and nothing more!

In my day, you vould be haffing to deal with your fingernails being pulled out foa haffing posted illeegal signage!

Vee vould haf taken your small dog hostage and interrogated him to death, and then ve vould haf smitten your family vis tatoos for posting dis illegal signage. By now, in my day you vould all be "lighting my life" as lampshades in my parlor!

ILLEGAL SIGNAGE? ACHTUNG! dIS IS VERBOTTEN! Find these illegals who dare to post signage visout a permit!

Vere are your papers? Get in ze are going to take you downtown!

Frau Sally Heyman vil haf her vay vis you! You schwinhundt!

Iffen she hass her vay, you vil be looking up her smelly skirt visout a gas mask und you vil be sorry you effer haf met her!

Sally Heyman issen ze Minister off propaganda of ze lesbian right front!

Now! get into zee gas chambers! No! Zer iss no soap in zees showers!

7/10/2006 04:33:00 AM  
Blogger Mikey Moe Hawk said...

You can't see me right now Doc, but in your behalf against the Dade County idiots, I'm facing the computer backwards with my pants pulled all the way down and just my bare ass facing the computer screen as I insert an entire can of Dole Fruit Cocktail (extra cherries) into my ass and let it emerge with the can opened and all the cherries gone in their behalf. Remember, I was on stage with David Copperfield at one time and I learned many things magical, so don't try to ask me how I did it, because it's an unwritten rule that we magicians never tell. Got it? GET IT!!!

7/13/2006 07:11:00 PM  
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