Friday, July 14, 2006

New Gasoline Saving Devices from Doctor Hormone's Lab...

Amazing breakthroughs are occurring on the technological front!

Friends, in these days of rising insecurity in the world theatre what with the Mideast egaged in their bi-monthly feuds, gasoline prices are open season!



Those of you proud SUV drivers are by now frustrasted that you can no longer do wheelies at any given green light without consuming about $12.00 worth of petrol for that thrill! its a damn shame! What has happened to America's favorite past time cruising the streets looking for chicks, aimlessly buring gallons of our most precious commodity!

If only Kenneth Lay (prick)was alive to lie to us and tell us that we were in better shape economically than we really are!

As I see it, We have two choices:

1) Obliterate the entire Mideast Muslim world and take their oil reserves as we incorporate their real estate into our culture as the next 12 states in the Union,

or...

2) Come up with alternative fuel consumption strategies such as clinging to trees, and saving squirrels, as well as other technological breakthroughs in use of our present petroleum products to be more efficient in using gasoline...

Taking over the Muslim world, while a rather artsy idea (in my opinion) is frowned upon by most of the civilized world and probably quite costly. If we could afford to wait long enough, these clowns in sheets would likely do it to themselves, but along with the unbearable wait to raid their fuel reserves, there is the possibility that they might take the rest of the world with them.

No my friends, the alternative lies with science! And that is why I am unveiling my newest product to the public tonight! It is the most efficient fuel enhancement product yet! I am a scientist! Trust me dammit!



While many other scientist types have unveiled fuel efficiency devices that are either installed into the engine of your car or added to the fuel of your vehicle, my invention is a simple and quickly installed device that has been tested by every agency involved in the research of fuel efficiancy efforts! The EPA, SPA, ESPA, ASPCA, even PETA has found my product to be safe to animals!

Its quite simple really...my device is the result of a recent abduction by aliens from outer space who revealed to me (while I was a guest on their spaceship) the dynamics of magnets!



Thats right! Youve got it! Magic Magnets! My magic magnets installed on each door panel of your vehicle will enhance your gasoline mileage by at least 20%!

Im not making this shit up!

But these arent just any magnets! Nooooo! The alphbetic arrangement of the letters on the signs play a significant role in the success of this product. Now that you know the secret you could just go out and make your own, but since ours have already been laboratory tested and approved by the EPA, why would you risk making your own and take the chance that yours may actually cause damage to your vehicle!



Buy ours now and enjoy the absolute and SAFE guarantee of a reduction in fuel consumption by at least 80%! Im not kidding here!





Not only will you experience improvement in fuel consumption but the placement of these specially designed magic magnets on your car can actually improve your sex life as well! (tests are limited to actual sexual activity while within the vehicle equipped with the signs) Better than Viagra! And it lasts much longer!

Wait! Theres more! While your children are riding in your magic magnet signage equipped vehicle, they will become miraculously more engaged in reading and math skills as well as better behaved!



Not enough to convince you to buy them yet? How bout this? If you buy them today you could experience a new level of safety while driving in traffic. Statistically, our extensive tests have proven beyond a doubt that while driving in a vehicle equipped with the Magic Magnets, neither of our two test drivers had an accident, attempted rape, or carjacking occur during the entire 2 week period that both vehicles were on the road for at least 6 hours a day!



What have you got to lose? Better gas mileage, better sex life, smarter children, safer driving...My god only an idiot would pass on this opportunity! Youre not an idiot! You need to act on this special offer now!

Signage is limited due to the limited availability of this magic magnet material my space friends have given me to Beta Test this product!



In fact there is only enough magnetic material left to produce a dozen or so of these signs! In spite of the high demand and limited supply, our alien friends asked us to defy the principal of "Supply and Demand" and only ask for a mere purchase price of $289.95 per sign (plus shipping/two signs per vehicle required to achieve desired test results)

Im a scientist and we are sworn to a code of ethics! We cannot lie! It is forbidden! This is all true! No shit!



If you act now, as a special thanks from me and my alien friend from the planet Azuna in a galaxy far far away from here, we will also throw in a full set of kitchen knives from Germany guaranteed to stay sharp for a long time....

Act now! Dont be stuck in the driveway when the world begins to come to an end, At least have a way to run for cover to your bunker in the mountains!

What?....you dont have a mountain bunker?...WHAT?...Lets talk some more! If your are interested in a mountain bunker time share, please check the box while ordering your Magic Magnetic Signs.

-Doctor Greg Hormone

1 Comments:

Blogger Martin said...

Very cool idea. Since I already live in the Salt Caverns under Mount Clemens, I don't need these wonderful alien inventions to run to my mountain bunker, but they will help contain the cost of driving to "Super Computers R US".

Where's the order form?

Sir Martin of White Mud

7/15/2006 07:23:00 AM  

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