The Turku Project..."Passing through Customs"
Well, Howdy...
It's me...Doctor Hormone once again, home at last from the frigid northern country of Finland where Tony Diorio and I went off on a mission to discover the meaning of life in the ice capped frozen Nordic North...
We dined on reideer, and befriended some amazing people in Turku, and even had opportunity to sleep through 7 different time zones. This is perhaps a record of sleeping without actually getting a minutes rest. It's just like White Mud though, to sleep all day (eastern standard time zone) and stay up all night (Turku time zone) and even stay up through their time zone and on into our own...At one point I stayed up soo long, I ended up finding myself waking up in the day after tomorrow!
It's still all so overwhelming to me, and it perhaps contributed to my final episode in the last leg of my trip where I found myself in line at U.S. Customs at Miami International Airport.
The Customs Officer I was in line to see was a classic "Fat Ass Clown" with an attutude and dispostion like a Junkie with hemmoriods and a badge, who was in need of a fix. This nasty old fart couldn't muster a smile or a "Hello" if I was a topless Dolly Parton, and he was going out of his way to annoy and bully everyone who passed by his "Hellbooth" for interrogation that day.
I politely stepped up and offered my passport and immigration card (required to be filled out during re-entry into the country) He examined my card for a second and tossed it back at me with an order to fill out another at the back of the line because it was damp with sweat from my handling...Im not making this up.
"Go fill out another one, this one is wet" He said. So I did. but when I got back in line I could feel the gas, from all of the lousy airline food I had eaten all day, building up inside of me. I considered going to the can to vent some air but then I had (What Fadda Ken would call)an Epiphany! I held back and waited painfully, my turn to see him again!
By the time I was up in front of this fat Clown Cop again, I was bloated like a balloon! I had held back all day in my middle seat on flight BA0209 from releasing a dirty bomb. I had been polite. But now, now...was the time.
As Inspector Mulligan took his sweet time studying my passport and re-entry card, I saw the opportunity to show him what "respect" or lack thereof, was all about....
I slowly pinched my butt cheeks together, as hard as I could. Then, I began to push from my abdominal muscle and slowly squeaked out the longest and loudest and smelliest fart I could muster!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT......
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT.
PHHHHHHHHHHHT.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!
It was clear to at least he and I, and perhaps the next person in line, that something which is normally socially unnacceptable was occurring. I was dropping a dirty bomb on a U.S. Customs agent, who truly deserved the indignity being visited upon him at this time!
I wondered if I would be arrested. I glanced his way to observe his reaction, all the while pretending that the pain of my "uncontrolled" gastric eruption was involuntary...It wasnt! I rolled my eyes for effect, but I never apologized!
He seemed to accelerate the process as the area around his booth clouded with a blue haze like vapor....I think I saw him tear up slightly. He was a large man but even he...could be made to cry. I was as proud as a White Mudder could be!
I was immediately dismissed with passport in hand and a big smile, knowing that I had exacted vengance on one of the official Homeland Defense Bullshit Bullies appointed by our country.
I plan on doing this as a regular routine everytime I have to pass through U.S Customs, until one of our beloved Congresspersons passes yet another pointless law making it a hate crime to fart in the presence of a US Customs Pig.
Meanwhile, I reccomend that all US citizens who travel abroad, stock up on as much airline food as you can, and hold it in as long as you can until you get in the US Customs line upon your re-entry to the country! I believe that this may be the solution to moving the line along a little faster! Or at least having your payback on these neanderthal morons with a badge and a bad attutude!
Breathe Deep...Piggies!
It's me...Doctor Hormone once again, home at last from the frigid northern country of Finland where Tony Diorio and I went off on a mission to discover the meaning of life in the ice capped frozen Nordic North...
We dined on reideer, and befriended some amazing people in Turku, and even had opportunity to sleep through 7 different time zones. This is perhaps a record of sleeping without actually getting a minutes rest. It's just like White Mud though, to sleep all day (eastern standard time zone) and stay up all night (Turku time zone) and even stay up through their time zone and on into our own...At one point I stayed up soo long, I ended up finding myself waking up in the day after tomorrow!
It's still all so overwhelming to me, and it perhaps contributed to my final episode in the last leg of my trip where I found myself in line at U.S. Customs at Miami International Airport.
The Customs Officer I was in line to see was a classic "Fat Ass Clown" with an attutude and dispostion like a Junkie with hemmoriods and a badge, who was in need of a fix. This nasty old fart couldn't muster a smile or a "Hello" if I was a topless Dolly Parton, and he was going out of his way to annoy and bully everyone who passed by his "Hellbooth" for interrogation that day.
I politely stepped up and offered my passport and immigration card (required to be filled out during re-entry into the country) He examined my card for a second and tossed it back at me with an order to fill out another at the back of the line because it was damp with sweat from my handling...Im not making this up.
"Go fill out another one, this one is wet" He said. So I did. but when I got back in line I could feel the gas, from all of the lousy airline food I had eaten all day, building up inside of me. I considered going to the can to vent some air but then I had (What Fadda Ken would call)an Epiphany! I held back and waited painfully, my turn to see him again!
By the time I was up in front of this fat Clown Cop again, I was bloated like a balloon! I had held back all day in my middle seat on flight BA0209 from releasing a dirty bomb. I had been polite. But now, now...was the time.
As Inspector Mulligan took his sweet time studying my passport and re-entry card, I saw the opportunity to show him what "respect" or lack thereof, was all about....
I slowly pinched my butt cheeks together, as hard as I could. Then, I began to push from my abdominal muscle and slowly squeaked out the longest and loudest and smelliest fart I could muster!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT......
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT.
PHHHHHHHHHHHT.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!
It was clear to at least he and I, and perhaps the next person in line, that something which is normally socially unnacceptable was occurring. I was dropping a dirty bomb on a U.S. Customs agent, who truly deserved the indignity being visited upon him at this time!
I wondered if I would be arrested. I glanced his way to observe his reaction, all the while pretending that the pain of my "uncontrolled" gastric eruption was involuntary...It wasnt! I rolled my eyes for effect, but I never apologized!
He seemed to accelerate the process as the area around his booth clouded with a blue haze like vapor....I think I saw him tear up slightly. He was a large man but even he...could be made to cry. I was as proud as a White Mudder could be!
I was immediately dismissed with passport in hand and a big smile, knowing that I had exacted vengance on one of the official Homeland Defense Bullshit Bullies appointed by our country.
I plan on doing this as a regular routine everytime I have to pass through U.S Customs, until one of our beloved Congresspersons passes yet another pointless law making it a hate crime to fart in the presence of a US Customs Pig.
Meanwhile, I reccomend that all US citizens who travel abroad, stock up on as much airline food as you can, and hold it in as long as you can until you get in the US Customs line upon your re-entry to the country! I believe that this may be the solution to moving the line along a little faster! Or at least having your payback on these neanderthal morons with a badge and a bad attutude!
Breathe Deep...Piggies!
posted by greg hormone at 3/28/2006 08:36:00 PM
3 Comments:
I remember you ya stinking lille bastard! I had to take a break after you pulled that stunt and we called in the drug/explosive sniffing dogs. Thanks to you, the line was held up for at least forty minutes!
Nice work! You succeeded in pissing off about 280 people in line behind you who not only had to wait while we cleared the area, but had to walk through a vapor that smelled like a battlefield!
And that card you attempted to turn in wasnt just wet and sweaty, it was stained with what looked like cattle dung. I put up with a lot of crap but I dont need yours!
I do have hemmroids, and I dsont know how you knew that, or if it was just a lucky guess, but Ill be looking for you next time you come through my line you little sonofabitch!
I had to wash my uniforms three times to get the stink out! You owe me $13.45 for laundering my uniform, and trust me....Ill find you!
Its people like you that make me grumpy! I was a nice guy once...Then I took this lousy job.
I wanted to be a ballerina once...but my family just ridiculed me to shame and now Im sitting here reading the public humiliation you gave me.
I got about a pint left of this scotch bottle, and when its done, Im gonna stick the business end of my service revolver in my fuckin mouth and say goodnight to this lousy rotten world where nobody respects a good cop anymore!
Maybe you could explain to my family why I decided to end it all!
-Mulligan
Hey Mulligan...don't suck on your weapon! Stick around and maybe we will let you attend a White Mud concert and we will put you on stage.
Doctor Hormone, this is one of your best posts (and stunts) yet. I hope this will appear in a future episode of White Mud's Vidiot TV. We surely could add smell-o-vision to the show and send what's left of our viewing audience running for the door!
Sir Martin of White Mud
Well Sir Martin, I am delighted to entertain the troops as always, and this was an actual event which makes it just that much more fun!
Hey Mulli! You need any ammo for that 38 special?...You fat worthless prick...no offense!
Personally I hope the stain of my stink remains embedded in your memory and uniform for the rest of your pathetic worthless little life, you fat fucking "Ass Clown!"
You should be demoted to a job where you are required to suck the boils off of the groins of mad cows that are imported into the country for experiments!
Again...No offense.
Im soo looking forward to seeing you again in line...
Im planning on taking a truckload of laxatives just before I get in line next time and just shitting myself and then fake passing out in front of your "shit stall" where you will be required to deal with me....
Hey...maybe this will help you move along with your plan to rid the world of unwanted garbage...imagine the last sound you will hear....
BOOOOOOOM!
Your Pal,
-Doc Hormone!
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